|Forgiveness, Chapter 12
36 days after Spike helped Buffy send Angel to hell and close the portal, same night as their first Patrol together.
Summer between Junior and senior year in High School for Buffy.
Can Buffy forgive Spike. Can he forgive her?
|Rating / Warnings:
NC17. Content is only suitable for mature adults. Contains explicit language, violence, sex and adult themes which may include rape, attempted rape, blood play and other adult situations that some people may find objectionable. If you are under the age of 17 or find any of these themes objectionable – GO AWAY. Parents, it is up to YOU to control what your children are reading.
About an hour and a half later, Spike was sitting on the couch in his new “research spot” when Buffy walked in. He never looked up from the book he was reading and she didn't say anything, just headed straight for the stairs.
Buffy just wanted a long, hot bath. She ached all over, including places that she didn’t like to think about aching in. She was glad that Spike ignored her when she came in, she so didn’t feel like talking to him right now. God, what could she possibly say to him after how she acted tonight?
Buffy grabbed her PJ’s from her room, (his room? their room? she thought idly, who’s room is it anyway?), before heading to the bath and hot, sudsy goodness. She loved the upstairs bathroom, the tub was a huge old cast iron monster that she could practically swim laps in. A shower head had been added later and, while Spike was away, she upgraded the shower to be both a rainshower and a hand-held massaging shower, like the one at her mom’s house, to help her through those long days when he was gone. Right now she just wanted a long, hot soak, though.
She opened the bathroom door and stopped short. Every surface was covered in white candles, large pillars, thin tapers and everything size in between greeted her with dancing flames that made the room glow in the warm light. The tub was filled and still steaming, the smell of jasmine assaulted her and she closed her eyes and breathed the heavenly fragrance deep in her lungs. For the hundredth time that day, tears stung her eyes. God damn, Spike, she thought. He's supposed to be hurt and mad at me, not fixing a romantic, relaxing bath, after what I've done to him; how I used him and left him alone in the cold. She sighed and stepped into the room, closing the door behind her. She slipped out of her grimy clothes and slid down into the hot water with a sigh.
She leaned back, stretching her legs out and scrunched down so just her face was above the water – her feet barely touched the other end of the tub this way and Buffy felt like she was floating on a cloud, she closed her eyes and just drifted away from the world. She didn’t hear the bathroom door open, or Spike step inside. He stood and watched her for a long time, thinking how beautiful she was, how amazing she was. He knew why she did what she did earlier, she wanted him to feel as hurt as he had hurt her, and it worked, he was hurt and it made him regret his cowardice that night when Angel came back even more. He’d never considered himself a coward, but in the face of thinking he had lost her to Angel, just as he knew he'd lost Dru, he simply couldn’t bear it.
Buffy stirred and looked up at him, her vamp senses finally rousing her from her reverie by tingling up her spine. Spike was undressed and leaning against the door, just looking at her. She sat up and extended a hand to him, silently inviting him to join her. He slid in behind her, stretching his strong legs down alongside hers, pulling her back to his chest, resting his chin on her shoulder as she leaned back into him. He wrapped his arms around her, one hand on her flat belly he started a soft thrumming with one finger just above her belly button.
“Feel that?” he asked.
“That’s our baby,” he informed her.
“You can feel its heart beat already?” she asked softly.
“Mom wants us to stop by for a late dinner after I go to the doctor tomorrow, you up for that?” Buffy figured she’d start with an easy question first.
"You don't have to eat, of course . . ." Buffy offered.
Buffy furrowed her brows. "You eat . . . people food?"
"Yeah, luv. People. People food. Both," Spike smiled. "Just because I don't live off it, doesn't mean I can't enjoy a bit of . . . 'people food'."
"But Angel never . . ." she started and stopped. Then with a sigh, "You're not Angel."
Spike raised his eyebrows and tilted his head in a small shrug, but didn't say any more.
They sat in silence for a time. Spike kept the thrumming up on her flat stomach as he closed his eyes to listen to the heartbeat of the baby.
“Why did you leave me? I really need to understand,” Buffy asked softly. God, would these tears ever stop!
How did he answer that? Twenty years being trained by Angel made him a coward around him? How could he ever make her understand the things that Angel had done to him to make him react that way? She didn’t need to hear that. Didn’t need to hear how Angel had made sure Spike always knew his place, and it was always UNDER Angel. He sighed.
After no answer for several moments, Buffy prodded further, “Spike, please tell me. Is it me? Am I not good enough?”
His answer was immediate and definite. “No. It is absolutely NOT you, Buffy. You are the most amazing woman I’ve ever known.”
How could he make her understand? “I heard you forgiving him, telling him you would always love him. You’ve loved him longer than you’ve even known me, pet. I thought . . . I thought I had lost you. My heart ached for you but . . . Angel . . . Buffy, I’ve never been able to win against Angel. He’s always been . . .” his voice got softer as he admitted his fear of Angel, he wasn't sure how to even finish that sentence.
“Cruel? Merciless? Ruthless?” Buffy filled in for him.
“For starters.” Spike closed his eyes and tilted his head, resting it against hers. They sat in silence for a few minutes before he continued. “I was a coward. I ran away like a coward and then I couldn’t face you for the shame of it, so I stayed away. But I never stopped thinking about you or stopped loving you.”
“You forgot, together we defeated Angelus. You just needed to trust me, like I trusted you.” She still had a hard time calling Angel’s evil side anything but Angelus, despite Spike’s assertion that they were one and the same.
“Yeah.” Spike really didn’t know what else to say.
“You hurt me,” she stated solemnly. “A lot.”
“I’m so sorry, luv. If I could take it back, I would. I never want to hurt you.”
“You were hurt, too,” she volunteered. “I didn't realize how much.”
Spike nodded his head. He had a lump in this throat and didn’t think he could speak just then.
They sat in silence a while longer until Buffy spoke again. “Did you make love to her?” her voice was barely a whisper. She closed her eyes and braced herself to wait for the answer.
He knew what she meant, she didn’t mean did he fuck Harmony, he’d already admitted to that, she wanted to know if he made sweet, tender love to her.
“Do you love her?” Buffy’s eyes were still closed, trying in vain to hold back the tears.
“No.” Spike’s voice was deep with emotion.
“She was . . .” Spike’s voice broke and he couldn’t finish.
“Convenient?” Buffy supplied.
“A distraction,” he offered.
Spike sighed heavily. “From the constant ache in my heart, from thoughts of you filling my every bloody waking and sleeping moment.”
“Did it work?” Buffy opened her eyes and turned her head so her mouth was next to his ear. She placed one hand over the one Spike had on her abdomen. He was still softly strumming in time with the baby’s heartbeat.
“I’m sorry about what happened tonight, in the crypt.” Tears flowed freely now from her eyes. “I wanted to hurt you like you hurt me, leave you like you left me. I didn’t know how much you’d already been hurt. Can you forgive me?”
“I will, on two conditions.”
Buffy pulled back and looked at him warily. With one hand on his cheek, she turned his face to see into his eyes. “And those conditions would be?”
“That you forgive me and believe that I’ll never let you down again.”
“And?” she prompted.
Spike’s eyes started to gleam at the memory of the raw, primal sex they’d had in the crypt earlier.
“That you give me a repeat performance of tonight sometime, luv. But let me take care of the surprise twist at the end.” He smiled at her, his eyes flashed wide as he ran his tongue along his teeth, lustily.
Buffy laughed. It felt like the first time she’d laughed in weeks, it probably was. Tears still flowed down her cheeks, but she'd given up trying to stop them.
Her mouth was close to his now. “Done,” she whispered, before capturing his lips in a kiss. She felt his cock harden against her back as they kissed a slow, languorous kiss and she felt her own arousal stir deep within. “I love you, Spike.”
Spike closed his eyes, his jaw clenched in an attempt to hold back his emotions as tears burnt the back of his eyes. When he opened his eyes to look at her, they glistened in the candle light. “I love you and our baby more than life itself, Buffy.”
Buffy turned in his lap and he slid away from the edge of the tub so her legs would fit behind him. She wrapped herself around him and moved into his embrace, his erection held tightly between them, they went back to exploring each other’s mouths with their tongues as if it were their first kiss. Her arms around his neck, fingers tugging and running through his curls. His hands ran light touches down her spine and then made small circles all over her back as they kissed, causing chill bumps to form all over her body and her pussy to ache again, in need of him.
“I want you,” she murmured into his mouth. “I need you in me.”
Spike lifted her up by her hips and she guided his hard cock into her slick pussy as he lowered her back down. She winced slightly from the soreness caused by the earlier encounter with the candle and he stopped. After a moment, she nodded and he let her down the rest of the way to take him in completely. Buffy slowly started to move on him, a slow rhythm that matched the languid pace of their kisses. He moved one hand between them to draw circles around her hard nipples, then roll and pinch them in his wet fingers, her tempo increased as he continued fondling her sensitive breasts.
“Talk to me, Spike.” She loved to hear his voice during their love making, sometimes hard and demanding, other times soft and loving. She loved it all.
Tonight, he spoke slowly, his voice like golden honey dripping from his tongue. “Buffy, God, you’re gorgeous, so bloody beautiful.
"I love you so much.
"You feel so good, so tight, so hot.
"You’re always so wet for me, Buffy . . . do you know how that makes me feel?”
Buffy internal muscles tightened around him as he spoke, he gasped and the words began flowing faster, “Jesus . . Buffy, God, baby, oh sweet Jesus, Buffy!”
She had increased the tempo now so that she was pounding down on him in hard, fast strokes, she arched her back, lifting her nipples up to him. He took one in his mouth and sucked it against his teeth as he slid one hand between them so a finger would hit her clit on the down strokes. She gasped at the unexpected sensation the first time, then increased her speed, thrusting down on him hard. “Spike, God, baby, only you, only you, baby, oh God, God, Spike . . .”
Buffy’s body began to shudder, her inner muscles tightened hard around Spike’s cock.
“Scream for me, Buffy . . . God, I love to hear you scream, let it go, baby, don’t hold back.”
The scream started somewhere deep in her gut, escaping her throat. She threw her head back as her orgasm overtook her, sending her over the precipice of pleasure. Hearing her scream, Spike came with a roar of his own, shooting his cum deep into her as her muscles convulsed around him, milking every drop from him.
As they came down from their climax, Buffy leaned her forehead against his, breathing hard as small quakes of pleasure still rippled through her body. Buffy clung to Spike, holding him tight within her and against her. She never wanted to let him go.
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