Alternate Universe: Unexpected
Chapter Title: Cooties, Genes and Slayer Dreams
Time line:

Currently: August 2003.


Annie turned four in February.

Buffy and Spike have been married four years.

Buffy turned 22 years old in January.

All the Potentials were endowed with full Slayer power in February 2003.

Buffy and Spike learned of the other dimensions in May, 2003.

Summary: Anya and Xander have an announcement.  Spike and Annie go grocery shopping.  Buffy has a dream about the alternate dimension where Spike died alone closing the Hellmouth and was sent back to work with Angel.
Rating / Warnings:

NC17. Content is only suitable for mature adults. Contains explicit language, sex, adult themes and other adult situations that some people may find objectionable. If you are under the age of 17 or find any of these themes objectionable – GO AWAY. Parents, it is up to YOU to control what your children are reading.


August 2003:


**~** Cooties **~**

Buffy was sitting on the couch watching TV with Annie when Anya and Xander walked into the mansion.  Anya barely made it through the door when she excitedly announced, "I HAVE MADE LIFE!" 

Buffy looked up at her in confusion.  A scene from an old movie ran through her mind . . . a wild-eyed Gene Wilder was exclaiming, "ALIVE! IT'S ALIVE!  IT'S AALLIIIVVVE!" as he looked down on his creation. 


Buffy smiled. Shaking the thought from her mind, she asked, "What?"

Bouncing over to Buffy, Anya grabbed her in a hug.  "I . . . no . . . WE HAVE MADE LIFE!"  Buffy looked over Anya's shoulder to Xander and raised her eyebrows begging him to tell her what his wife was talking about.

 "We're pregnant," Xander offered with a smile.  "Or, Anya is, at any rate," he amended, waving his arm towards his wife.


“Oh!  You guys!!” Buffy exclaimed, returning Anya’s hug.  “That’s so great!!”  When Anya pulled away, Buffy grabbed Xander in a hug.


“OI! Harris!  Thought we’d established that’s my girl,” Spike said as he walked in from training room to see what the commotion was.  As soon as he appeared, Anya ran over and flung herself at him, catching him in a bear hug, “WE MADE LIFE!” she told Spike. 


“WHAT!?” he exclaimed as a quick flash of a dreamy memory skittered across his brain. Quickly extricating himself from her arms, he said, “WE haven’t made anythin’!”


“What?” Anya asked, confused. Waving her arm at Xander, she said, “We made life! I’m going to increase the population of this already overtaxed, polluted and overcrowded planet!  Isn’t that wonderful!?”


Spike let out a sigh.  “Oh!  Yeah, that’s bloody brilliant.”


“Didn’ know you had it in ya’, Harris,” Spike smirked at Xander but extended his hand to congratulate him with a hand shake as Xander approached him.


“Well, if you could do it . . .” Xander shrugged with a small smile.


“Annie!  What do you think?” Buffy asked her daughter.  “Would you like a girl cousin or a boy cousin?”


“Boys have cooties!”  Annie informed them.  “No boys!”


“What about Papa?  Does he have cooties?” Buffy smiled as she cut her eyes at Spike.


“He’s not a boy!”  Annie retorted.


Xander raised his eyebrows. “Spike, there something you want to tell us, man?”


Spike rolled his eyes.  “Don’ you know anythin’, you git? Father’s don’t have cootiesBoys have cooties!  And, if we’re lucky, they’ll continue to have cooties ‘til she’s thirty!”


Buffy laughed.  “Yeah, right, Papa.  Just wait until she’s about twelve. As I recall, boys shed their cooties at about that age . . .”


“PFFFTT!” Spike snorted.  “We’ll get Red to do a spell so the cooties stay in place well past bloody TWELVE!”


**~**  Genes **~**


“Spike, I know you drove to the grocery store, but who actually did the shopping?  You or Annie?”  Buffy asked as she unpacked the grocery bags that Spike had brought in from the car.


“What’da mean?” he asked, innocently.


“Well, we have Fritos, Tostitos, Cheetos and Doritos . . . so, I guess that covers the ‘toes’ food group,” Buffy started.  “Then we have the Hersey’s kisses, Reese’s cups, Almond Joys and M&M’s . . . so, those would be the ‘chocolate’ food group,” she continued. “What I’m missing here are the protein, grain, fruit, vegetable and dairy food groups.”


“PFFFT!” I bought cereal – that’s a grain!” he retorted.


“Oh, I forgot!  How silly of me!  Cocoa Crispies, Cocoa Puffs and Cocoa Peebles!  I’m thinking these also go in the ‘chocolate’ food group,” Buffy said, rolling her eyes.


“You forgot the Weetabix!” he defended.


“Spike, you’re the only one who eats Weetabix,” Buffy informed him.


“Not true!  Annie eats it!”


“Only if you drizzle Hersey’s chocolate syrup on it!  Thus, putting it back in the ‘chocolate’ food group,” Buffy reminded him.


“I bought milk!” he retorted.


Chocolate milk, Spike – you bought chocolate milk!” Buffy picked up the container of chocolate milk and waved in front of him.


“Did you even look at the list?” Buffy asked, her hands going to her hips in exasperation.


“Sure I did; I looked at it.  I got your Tab for you, didn’ I? Oh! And yogurt – that’s a dairy!” he said triumphantly.


“Oh, yes – the yogurt . . . Whipped Chocolate Mousse, Oreo Crunch and . . . wait for it . . . Chocolate Raspberry flavors!  Again – all in the ‘chocolate’ food group.” Buffy shook her head.  “We can’t feed our daughter chocolate twenty four hours a day, Spike!”


“We’ll don’ tell me – tell ‘er!  She gets that ‘chocolate gene’ from you, anyway. I don’ know why you’re getting all over me ‘bout it!”


“The ‘chocolate gene’, huh?”  Buffy asked, suppressing a smile. “And where does she get the ‘little finger gene’ from?”


“Ya lost me round that bend, luv.” Spike said, his brows knit in confusion.


“As in you wrapped around,” she clarified, holding up her little finger and twirling it in the air.


“Ah, well – she gets that from you, too, luv,” he smiled at her and curled his tongue against his teeth.


“I did get one thing that wasn’t ‘toes’ or chocolate,” he informed her as he picked up one of the bags she hadn’t unpacked yet and pulled out a bouquet of a dozen dusty pink roses, the exact color of the ones she’d used in their wedding, and held them out to her. 


“You think that’s gonna make everything all right?” she asked, crossing her arms across her chest and forcing a frown to her face.


Spike shrugged, tilted his head to the side and made his best sad, lost puppy face as he continued to hold the flowers out to her.


Buffy smiled and shook her head.  “You crazy vampire.  What am I gonna do with you?”  Buffy took the flowers before pulling Spike into a hug.


“I could give you a few suggestions, if you’d like, luv,” he whispered seductively in her ear.  “It could involve Hershey’s chocolate syrup . . .”


“Mmmmm . . . my favorite!” Buffy cooed.


**~** Slayer Dreams **~**


Buffy was in an elevator.  She looked around – it wasn’t the one from the Initiative which she’d had nightmares about for quite some time after rescuing Spike.  This was a fancy one, with dark wood on the walls and rich carpet on the floor.  When the doors opened, she stepped out into a large lobby and walked up to the reception desk. The sign behind the desk read “Wolfram & Hart.”


“Excuse me?” Buffy said to the blond behind the desk.


“Can I help you?” the girl said as she looked up from what she was doing.


“Harmony!?”  Buffy backed up a step involuntarily.


“Buffy!” Harmony said with a smile as she jumped up and came around from behind the desk.  “Look at you!!  I haven’t seen you in forever!” 


“Harmony?” Buffy said again, trying to figure out what was going on.


“Buffy you look great . . . in a fat kinda way.  You’re really packing on the weight over there in Rome!  You know, you gotta watch those carbs, they go straight to your . . .” Harmony started.


“Harmony!” Buffy yelled curtly, cutting her off.  Buffy’s hand involuntarily went to the small bulge in her abdomen.  A little over three months pregnant didn’t make her that fat!


“Sorry!” Harmony said, holding up her hands in surrender.  “None of my business!”


“Are you here to see Angel?  I think Andrew’s in with him now – they’re in his office, right this way,” Harmony said as she started walking away from Buffy.


“Angel? Andrew? No . . . no, Harmony, wait!”  Buffy caught up with her and grabbed her arm.


“Is Spike here?”  Buffy asked as Harmony turned back around.


“No, my Blondie Bear’s not here right now,” Harmony sighed.


Your Blondie Bear?” Buffy asked, but before she could question Harmony further, she heard her name being called from across the lobby.


Buffy turned around to see Andrew running . . . well, skipping, may be more accurate, towards her.


“Andrew?” she questioned, as he grabbed her in a hug. 


"Buffy!" Andrew said again, "I didn't know you were coming, too!"


Extricating herself from his arms, Buffy asked, “What’s . . . what’s going on? Have you seen Spike?”


“Spike?  I . . . ummm . . . I mean . . . I don’t know what you’re talking about! Spike . . . Spike burnt up closing the Hellmouth.  He was a hero . . . a golden, hard-bodied, well muscled hero,” Andrew said with awe in his voice as he looked dreamily out into space, his hands folded, as if in prayer, in front of his chest. “A creature of the night, el creatro del noche . . ."


"Andrew," Buffy said trying to stop him, but he just kept on - in his own little world.


"Living by his own rules, a true rebel with a cause, not afraid of anyone or anything . . ." Andrew continued.


"Andrew!" Buffy said again, louder.


"Transformed by his undying love for the Slayer of the Vampyrs, his own mortal enemy, into a Champion of the people . . . saving the world for her, his only desire to keep her safe . . . ”


“ANDREW! Shut up! I KNOW the story!” Buffy yelled as she grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him out of his reverie.


“What are you, mentally deficient?” Harmony said to Andrew, her hands on her hips.  “He’s not burnt up! You just saw him last night!!”


“I . . . umm.  Wow, Buffy – look at you!  What happened?  Meet an irresistible Haxil Beast on the flight over?” Andrew said, trying to change the subject as he noticed her swollen abdomen and reached his hand out to touch it.


Buffy slapped at his hand, the irony of Harmony calling anyone mentally deficient not lost on her, and Andrew pulled it back with a jerk.


“I mean, you weren’t  . . . ummm . . . well . . . so round . . . when I left our flat in Rome a few days ago,” Andrew informed her.


“OUR flat . . . in Rome?” Buffy looked at Andrew with wide eyes.


“Would someone tell me what the fuck is going on here!?”  Buffy yelled.




Buffy woke with a jerk.  She was hyperventilating and sat up in bed to try and get more air into her lungs. 


“Buffy?  What is it, luv?” Spike asked as he turned on the bedside light.


“I . . . dream . . . nightmare . . . Andrew . . . Harmony,” Buffy gasped out between breaths.


“That may mean something in your world, luv, but I’m not there with ya’ just now,” he said, laying a hand on her back as she continued to fight for air.


When she could finally breathe again, she said, “I think our little PTB whistling messenger left out a few stanzas about what happened in that other dimension after you burnt up and they sent you back to Angel.”


“Whadda mean?” he looked at her with concern.


“You’re . . . I mean, he’s . . . I mean, that Spike’s back with Harmony and I’m . . . Oh, God!  I’m with ANDREW!?” she said, putting her face in her hands.


“ANDREW!?!”  Spike asked, wide eyed. “As in Nancy Boy Andrew?”


Buffy nodded, her face still buried in her hands.


“Buffy, are you sure? Maybe it was just a nightmare, luv.  I mean you and . . . Andrew?!” Spike started laughing and the more he thought about it, the harder he laughed until he fell back down on the bed rolling in laughter.


“I’m glad you think this is so funny!” Buffy told him, taking a pillow and pressing it down on his face so she couldn’t hear him laughing.


When Spike sat up, he had tears rolling out of his eyes from laughing so hard.  He tried to get some breath to speak through the small chuckles that still racked him. “Buffy . . .” he started, swallowing back more laughter. “Luv. In any dimension, you would squash Andrew like a bug  - a really small, soft, squishy, annoying kinda bug. It was just a nightmare, pet.  Trust me . . . a bloody hilarious nightmare,” he said as laughter overtook him again. He fell back on the bed and pulled the pillow back over his face. His whole body shook from the waves of laughter at the mental image of Buffy with Andrew.


“I’m glad this is so funny to you!” she said again as she pushed Spike off the bed and onto the floor, which only made him laugh more hysterically.


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