Alternate Universe: Unexpected
Story Title: Kooks
Chapter Title: La Vida Loca
Time line:

April 23rd, 2004 - April 24th, 2004


Joshua "JJ" Harris was born on April 21st, 2004

The twins (Danielle and William) were born on February 12th, 2004

(They came home on March 16th)

Annie turned five on February 14th.

Spike and Buffy have been married five years in February. (seems longer, doesn't it?)

Buffy turned 23 on January 19th.


All the Potentials were endowed with full Slayer power in February 2003.

Buffy and Spike learned of the other dimensions in May, 2003.


Buffy's trying to get her mojo back; it doesn't seem to be working, though, and there's a new kook added to the commune of Twilight Zone rejects . . .

Notes: Heartfelt thanks to my "ET", PaganBaby, for her wonderful suggestions and encouragement!! 


Songs: Livin' La Vida Loca by Ricky Martin:  

             Breakdown by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers:




Rating / Warnings:

NC17. Content is only suitable for mature adults. Contains explicit language, sex, adult themes and other adult situations that some people may find objectionable. If you are under the age of 17 or find any of these themes objectionable – GO AWAY. Parents, it is up to YOU to control what your children are reading.


April 23rd, 2004:


Buffy had the music in the training room cranked up to ‘rock concert’ levels, as she danced around on her toes, punching and kicking at the heavy bag hanging in the center of the room.  


Ricky Martin blared out of the speakers telling her about “Livin’ La Vida Loca”. Buffy rolled her eyes as she kept time with the beat and thought that she could teach Ricky a thing or two about a crazy life – she’d lived one for the last eight years, since being called into her sacred duty as the Chosen One in 1996 at the tender age of fifteen.  In fact, “crazy” didn’t even begin to describe her life since then.  


I have three miracle children with a vampire for a father, witches for aunts and an ex-demon for a nanny and I live in a Goddamn hostel for wayward 'Twilight Zone rejects' - of which I am one - man, could my life get ANY crazier? I'm thinking that would be a world of no . . . Buffy laughed aloud as she continued hitting and kicking the bag . . . dancing naked in the rain would be a welcome moment of sanity compared to her life.


It had been five days since Buffy had hired Hallie to help with the kids and the housework and she had been doing a wonderful job.  Buffy finally felt like she could go with Spike on patrol and not have to worry about anything with Hallie watching the twins and Annie.  Well, she felt like she didn’t have to worry about the kids, what she did worry about was her ability to carry her own weight out on patrol; her ability to fight effectively – to be The Slayer.


It had been so long since she’d been on patrol or even worked out properly – it seemed like forever since she’d actually sparred with Spike or fought a demon or a vamp – she was worried that she’d be rusty, be a liability to Spike on patrol rather than an asset.  Plus, carrying her “own weight” had taken on a whole new meaning after the twins.  The “baby fat” that had melted so easily after having Annie wasn’t budging this time. So Buffy attempted to raise her confidence and heart rate, while hopefully reducing the bulge around her middle, by working out and singing along with the songs that she had blaring from the speakers.


"She'll make you take your clothes off
and go dancing in the rain
she'll make you live the crazy life
or she'll take away your pain
like a bullet to your brain

upside inside out
she's living la vida loca
she'll push and pull you down
she's living la vida loca

her lips are devil red
and her skin's the color mocha
she will wear you out
she's living la vida loca
living la vida loca . . ."


Buffy had started doing morning workouts every day after she got back from taking Annie to pre-school – before Spike got up, trying desperately to get rid of the “baby fat” and get in good enough shape to go with him on patrol.  She hated him going by himself – she knew as well as anyone that anything could happen.  “One good day” . . . that’s what Spike had told her once; the vamps only needed one good day while you had to have a good day every day.  He’d said it one time when, at her urging, he’d told her about how he’d killed two Slayers; but with him patrolling, the same rule applied to him – another vamp or demon only needed one good day. 


Spike going on patrols alone had begun to scare Buffy to the point of making her wonder if she had made a mistake leaving the Gem of Amarra under the ocean with Angel. With it on, Spike would be protected – not just from sunshine, but from stakes and even beheading. But, there wasn’t anything she could do about that now – what was done was done.  What she could do was get back in shape so she could go with him on patrols, so they could cover each other’s backs – just like they’d always done before.  She knew in theory that a Slayer shouldn’t get rusty . . . didn’t she have some kind of innate ability and, of course, strength? But, that didn’t stop her from worrying that she had, indeed, lost her edge. 


Lost in her thoughts, the workout, and the music, Buffy wasn’t aware of the demon that had walked up behind her until it touched her on the shoulder.  Buffy instinctively spun around with a roundhouse kick and caught the demon in the mid-section, sending it flying across the room and down onto the padded floor of the training room with a thud.


“Holy shit!” Buffy exclaimed.  “Lorne! I’m so sorry!” she said as she ran over and knelt down beside him. “God, are you ok?”


Lorne lay on the floor and rubbed a green hand over his ribs where she had kicked him as he tried to get air back into his lungs. “I’m ok, Sunshine . . .” he said with a grimace that belied his words. “I shouted, but I guess you didn’t hear me over the . . . music.” He considered calling it “racket” but, decided pissing the Slayer off, probably wouldn’t be the smartest move.


Buffy jumped up and turned the music off before coming back and helping Lorne to his feet as she continued apologizing and asking if he was okay.  She helped him into the kitchen and sat him in a chair as she got an icepack for his bruised ribs and a drink of water. 


“Don’t you have anything stronger, Sunshine?” Lorne moaned leaning on the table, holding his ribs and wondering if they were broken or not.


“JD Black?” Buffy offered, reaching for the half empty bottle on the top shelf of the pantry. She set a shot glass down on the table and poured a shot for Lorne and he promptly downed it and held the glass out for another. After three shots, Lorne was finally feeling a bit better.


Buffy sat down across from him and, after he’d finished the third shot, asked, “Are you here to see Annie? ‘Cause she’s a pre-school now – she won’t be home until about three.”


“Actually, I’m here to see you . . . or you and Spike,” Lorne told her.  “Buffy, you told me that I was welcome anytime . . . is that offer still good?”


Buffy furrowed her brow and frowned with a bit of confusion about why he would be asking that. “Sure – of course – you’re family Lorne, you’re welcome here anytime.”  After a small pause, she asked, “What’s going on?”


Lorne sighed and poured himself another shot of whiskey. “Gunn and Cordelia are convinced that you and Spike did something to Angel,” Lorne started.


Buffy shrugged. “Yeah, I got the idea that they thought that when they were here a couple a months ago.”


“Look, Sunshine, I don’t know what happened to Angel Cakes, but, if you and Spike had anything to do with his disappearing act, then I’m guessing there was a pretty good reason for it,” Lorne told Buffy. “I guess my mistake was saying that to them.”


“They kicked you out?” Buffy asked, agitated. “After all you’ve done to help Angel – standing by him all these years, those two half-wits kicked you out!?”


Lorne nodded slowly, pouring the last of the Jack into the shot glass. “Not only kicked me out, Gunn’s old gang burned down my club.  I was lucky to get out of there with most of my wardrobe . . . now, losing that would’ve been a tragedy!”


Buffy smiled at Lorne’s attempt to lighten the mood.  “Of course you’re welcome here for as long as you want.  Although, I think that Charles Manson had fewer people living with him than we have here right now . . .”


“Oh, well, if you don’t have room . . .” Lorne started.


“No – no, we have room!” Buffy assured him. “We’re all just one big, happy Manson family, so don’t expect much privacy outside your own room.”


“Any special rules I should know about?” Lorne asked as he downed the last shot.


“Actually, I just finished a list of ‘House Rules’ . . .” Buffy said as she got up from the table and picked up a pad of paper with some notes on it off the counter. “You know, kinda like ‘Cider House Rules’, only I thought I’d call ours ‘Nut House Rules’.”


·    Annie, Billy, and Dani do not leave the house with anyone other than Spike, Buffy, Willow or Tara.  There is NO EXECPTION TO THIS RULE – ZERO TOLERANCE. 

·    No public nudity – keep your privates private.

·    Observe boundaries. Don’t go into anyone else’s room or use anyone else’s stuff without permission.

·    No hurting another person. No yelling, screaming, spell casting, name calling or curses on anyone's mother.

·    Whining, bitching and complaining need to be kept to a minimum – moaning is allowed, but only in private.  Bad attitudes need to be left in the garden – you can pick them up on your way out the next day.

·    If you make a mess, clean it up.

·    If you use all the TP, get more out of the cabinet and put it on the dispenser; if you get the last roll out of the cabinet – put it on the shopping list.

·    If you eat the last of something, throw the container away and put it on the grocery list – don’t just put the empty container back on the shelf.

·    If you break something, fix it or replace it – don’t just put it back broken.

·    If you’re going to be gone longer than twenty-four hours, tell someone where you will be.

·    Don’t feed sugar and caffeine to the underage inhabitants of this house after five pm, no matter how much they beg you or how sad they look.

·    Wet towels go in the hamper; not on the floor. 

·    Spike’s a vampire – he can hear you – if you don’t want him to hear you, then don’t say it.

·    I’m The Slayer – I can hurt you.  These are my rules; follow them or feel my wrath.


“Very thorough . . .” Lorne said, nodding his head and looking back up at Buffy.  “So, just how many people do you have living here, anyway?”


Buffy rolled her eyes and started counting off on her fingers. “Two witches, an ex-vengeance demon turned nanny, a vampire, a Slayer, a precocious Key, two screaming banshees, two hermit crabs, one fantastic kitty . . .  that’s eleven . . . and, to make it an even dozen, one homeless, green empath demon with a wardrobe to die for.”


“Well, you’ve certainly got all the bases covered with that list . . . all you need now is a par-tridge in a pear treeee,” Lorne commented, singing the last words of the old Christmas carol. “Think I could get a gander at the ‘screaming banshees’ – you make them sound so adorable.”


Buffy laughed. “Sure – I’ll show you your room then introduce you to Hallie and our adorable blonde banshees.”





April 24th, 2004:


“You need to tell her!” Willow said in a stage whisper.


“No! It’s n-n-none of our business,” Tara replied, keeping her voice low.


“Anything in this house is our business, sweetie,” Willow assured her.  “Buffy should know.” 


“Buffy should know what?” Buffy asked, walking into the kitchen where the two witches had been talking.


“Tara needs to tell you something,” Willow announced, turning Tara around to face Buffy.


“I-i-it’s probably nothing . . .” Tara stammered.


Buffy tilted her head and considered Tara.  Tara rarely ever stuttered anymore – in fact, Buffy couldn’t remember the last time she had stuttered, so whatever it was, it was obviously more than ‘nothing’.


“Well, why don’t you tell me and let me decide if it’s nothing,” Buffy offered.


“Tell her,” Willow urged when Tara didn’t answer.


“Ok  - ok!” Tara said looking at Willow with a frown. Turning back to Buffy, Tara said, “It really is probably nothing . . . but, well – it’s Hallie and Spike . . .”


“What about Hallie and Spike?” Buffy asked her.


“Well, I noticed, when they’re like in the same room together  . . . their aura’s change,” Tara told Buffy.


“Change how?” Buffy asked.


“Well, like Spike . . . when he’s around you his aura is a very clear red with streaks of light pink and bright emerald green . . . it’s a positive aura – powerful, energetic, passionate, nurturing – centered around the heart and love. But, when he’s around Hallie . . .”


“Go on . . .” Buffy prodded.


“Well, it turns almost instantly into blacks and browns and grays with streaks of dull red . . . it’s guarded, insecure, unforgiving . . . and really angry.”


“Tell her about Hallie!” Willow instructed Tara, putting a hand on her shoulder.


“OK!” Tara said to Willow before turning back to Buffy. “Hallie’s aura is mostly grays and blacks most of the time – I assume because she was a vengeance demon for so long and has only been human a short time.”


“But . . .” Buffy supplied.


“But . . . when she’s around Spike, she gets these streaks of muddy forest green, murky pink and crimson . . . showing jealousy, resentment, dishonesty . . .”


“. . . selfishness and lust.” Willow supplied when Tara hesitated.


Buffy raised her eyebrows. “Really? Lust?” 


Tara shrugged.  “It may be nothing . . . I mean Spike’s attractive . . . for a guy – it may just be a reaction to that.”


“So, you haven’t actually seen Hallie do anything . . . out of the way?” Buffy asked the witches.


“N-n-no,” Tara told her. “That’s why I didn’t even want to bother you with it. Aura’s are . . . well, they’re open to interpretation – they aren’t like paint chips in the hardware store . . . I wouldn’t want you to, you know – jump on anyone over it . . . it may be nothing.”


Buffy nodded. “Well, I’d rather know than not know . . . Willow was right, I’m glad you told me.”




“What’s this?” Spike asked as he helped Buffy unpack the groceries and put them up later that day.


Buffy turned to look at what he had in his hand. “Condoms,” she informed him.


“I know they’re condom’s, luv – what’re they for?” Spike asked, walking closer to her.


“You don’t know what condoms are for? Did your father never have the talk with you, William?” Buffy asked with a small smile.


Spike rolled his eyes and tried again. “WHO are they for?  Pretty sure Red and Glinda don’t need ‘em,” he informed her.


“They’re for you . . . for us. I got my period back . . .”


She didn’t have to tell him she’d gotten her period back . . . he knew it before she did. Spike’s eyes went wide with realization that she expected him to wear them.


“Sorry, luv – allergic to rubber,” Spike told her, putting the box of condoms back in the grocery bag.


Buffy laughed. “They aren’t made of rubber any more, fang-boy – latex.”


“Even worse – breaks me out all over,” Spike informed her, as he waved his arms up and down his body to illustrate “all over”.


Buffy shook her head and smiled. “Betcha I’m more allergic to getting pregnant that you are to latex – shall we compare allergies?”


“Pfffttt,” Spike snorted. “Vamps don’ make babies, you know that, luv.”


“You may have noticed the three small humans living here with us . . . they tell a different story. It’s just until I can get to the doctor and get on the pill.”


“Buffy, if the PTB can make me and my jizz alive – don’t you reckon they can break a fucking rubber if they want to . . . or even take that 99% effective pill and use the 1% to get you preggers again if that’s what floats their boat?”


Buffy sighed.  Of course Spike was right – the PTB could do whatever the fuck they wanted with them, like puppets on a string – free will, my ass.


“Well, it would just make me feel a little better – maybe they wouldn’t go that far. If they see we’re taking precautions, then maybe they’ll respect our choice,” Buffy told him with a frown.


Spike sighed – he’d never actually used a condom before . . . he wondered silently if they were one size fits all or how that worked . . . hopefully Buffy knew . . . although how she would know was beyond him, too. She’d only ever shagged vampires, after all! 


Spike pulled the box back out of the bag and looked at it. “XXL, Super Sensitive,” it said on the box and Spike smirked.  Oh yeah – ‘XXL’; his t-shirts may say ‘medium’ but his condoms say ‘Double X-L’.


“Do you know how to use these bloody things?” he asked her, examining the box closer.


“It’s not rocket science, Spike – it’s like putting on a glove . . . only you don’t have to worry about getting your fingers in the wrong holes . . .”


Buffy walked up behind him as he looked at the box and wrapped her arms around his waist. “Ok?” she asked him softly, laying her head against his shoulder blade.


“Yeah . . . ok, luv – if it makes you feel better, then it’s ok with me,” Spike told her with a sigh, turning around in her arms before lifting her chin and dropping a soft kiss on her lips.




Later that night, after getting Annie to bed with her requisite bedtime story and the twins to sleep with "Breakdown" by Tom Petty, Buffy and Spike went out on patrol together. As they walked towards Restfield Cemetery, they talked about the last couple of days, about Cordelia and Gunn and what they had done to Lorne, about the finger paintings that Annie had brought home from pre-school, about the twins and how, when Spike sang them classic rock songs, they seemed to settle down and sleep better.  When the conversation waned, Buffy turned it as casually as possible to the subject of Hallie.


“So, how do you think Hallie’s working out?” Buffy asked as they continued walking down the sidewalk side by side.


She could almost feel Spike roll his eyes before he answered her. “Fine, I suppose,” he answered dryly.


“She’s good with the babies . . .” Buffy offered.




“And she’s keeping the place cleaner than it’s been in months . . .”




“And you still don’t want her around.”


“Nope,” Spike confirmed, popping the “p” for emphasis.


“Did you . . . know her before? Maybe when she was a demon?” Buffy questioned as they reached the entrance to the cemetery.


“Vamp!” Spike announced and took off running into the cemetery ahead of Buffy, hurdling tombstones and leapfrogging over the larger monuments before disappearing around the corner of a crypt.  Buffy took off behind him, but didn’t trust her strength and coordination enough to hurdle anything, so she ran around the tombstones and lagged behind her husband.  When she turned the corner around the crypt he’d disappeared behind, he wasn’t there. 


“Crap,” Buffy muttered as she concentrated on sensing where he’d gone and moving quickly in that direction.  When she saw him, Spike was just dusting the vamp that he was fighting – two more piles of dust were evidence of the other’s he had already defeated.  “Guess he doesn’t need my help . . .” Buffy muttered to herself as she approached him.


“Even the Lone Ranger waited for Tonto,” she informed him.


“They’da got away, luv, sorry. You can have the next ones, yeah?” Spike told her as he tucked his stake into the waistband of his jeans at his back.  In fact, Spike hadn’t seen a vamp at all when they’d first gotten to the cemetery entrance – but it was the best way he could think of to avoid answering Buffy’s question. Luckily, he’d run into two vamps as they sat by and waited for their fledge to rise – effectively solidifying his alibi for running off.  He figured he could always say the vamp got away, but this way was better – more credible.


“Yeah . . . . whatever,” Buffy muttered as she turned and started walking further into the cemetery, scanning the area for vamps or fresh graves.


“What’s wrong with you, now?” Spike asked, catching up to her.


“Nothing – what could possibly be wrong with me?” Buffy answered curtly.


“Don’ know – that’s why I’m askin’ . . .” Spike pointed out.



“Team, Spike, team.  You do know the meaning of ‘team’, don’t you?” Buffy asked as she continued walking through the cemetery. “You know – Batman and Robin, Pancho and Lefty, Han Solo and Chewbacca, Laverne and Shirley, The Captain and Tennille, Roy Rogers and Trigger . . .”


“Trigger was a horse, luv,” Spike pointed out.


“Yeah, well – still a team, Spike. Trigger never left Roy and went running into cemeteries all by himself, now, did he?”


“Suppose ya’ got me on that one, luv,” Spike said with a smirk.  “Now, ya’ wanna tell me what’s really eatin’ you?”


Buffy stopped walking and turned to face Spike with a sigh. “I just . . . I just worry about you – ‘one good day’, remember?”


“Nothin’s gonna happen to me, luv,” Spike said stepping up to her and taking her into a hug.


“You don’t know that,” Buffy told him as she leaned into him, laying her head on his chest and wrapping her arms around his waist.


“I’m careful . . . I promise – you can’t get rid o’ me that easy,” Spike assured her.  “You were worried ‘bout me?”


Buffy nodded against his chest. “Yeah . . . I worry,” she told him in a whisper.


“DUCK!” Spike exclaimed suddenly.


“Duck? Huh?” Buffy asked in confusion, raising her head up to look around.


Spike pushed Buffy to the side and down to the ground with one arm as his other reached behind him to retrieve his stake.  A vamp was charging fast, coming from behind Buffy as she stood in Spike’s arms.  Spike got his hand on his stake, but wasn’t able to get it out before the vamp tackled him around the midsection and drove him back against a tombstone, pinning his hand and the stake against his back.


Spike vamped out and swung his free arm at the attacker’s face, hitting him hard in the jaw with his fist and driving the other vampire back away from him enough to free his other arm and bring the stake around. Buffy had jumped up and was running towards the battling vampires when the attacker dissolved into dust in front of Spike.


Buffy stopped short when the vamp dissolved and rolled her eyes. Yeah, he sooo needs your help – he’d be better off without you even here, she thought to herself as Spike flexed his hand that got caught behind him to make sure it wasn’t broken. 


“You ok?” Buffy asked him.


“Right as rain,” Spike said, walking towards her.  “Better finish a sweep here then head over to Lakeview . . . they’ve been really heavy there last coupla nights.”


“Sure,” Buffy said somewhat despondently, falling in step beside Spike. Holy heroes, Batman! The vamp had to save The Slayer – again, she thought, rolling her eyes.


Buffy allowed Spike to take the lead; he seemed to know just where to go to find the new fledges and they even met a few older vamps along the way.  Buffy dusted a couple of them, but Spike dusted more, and it seemed to Buffy that he’d actually ‘given’ her the ones she did stake, after he’d already beat them down.  Hell, he practically shoved them onto the end of her stake, so it didn’t really lift her spirits much.

She was happy when Spike announced that they’d done enough for the night and should head home.  The normal high, the adrenaline rush, she used to get from fighting and dusting the vamps wasn’t there – she just felt like she was extra baggage – lots of extra baggage, for Spike to carry.

We get a nanny to handle the household and the babies so I can help Spike and I can't even do that right. I suck as a mom and I suck as a Slayer - you'd think I'd be able to get at least ONE of those right . . .  Buffy thought glumly as they walked towards home. 

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