Alternate Universe: Unexpected
Story Title: Kooks
Chapter Title: Addicted
Time line:

April 21st, 2004


The twins (Danielle and William) were born on February 12th, 2004

(They came home on March 16th)

Annie turned five on February 14th.

Spike and Buffy have been married five years in February. (seems longer, doesn't it?)

Buffy turned 23 on January 19th.


All the Potentials were endowed with full Slayer power in February 2003.

Buffy and Spike learned of the other dimensions in May, 2003.


It's time for Xander and Anya to fill Buffy's old house, her Mom's house, with a family . . .

Notes: Heartfelt thanks to my "ET", PaganBaby, for her wonderful suggestions and encouragement!! 


Jacheal pronounced: “Jake- ē - awl”


Songs: Addicted to Love, Robert Palmer:

            Hooked on a Feeling, BJ Thomas :


Rating / Warnings:

NC17. Content is only suitable for mature adults. Contains explicit language, sex, adult themes and other adult situations that some people may find objectionable. If you are under the age of 17 or find any of these themes objectionable – GO AWAY. Parents, it is up to YOU to control what your children are reading.


April 21st, 2004:


“Oh God!” Anya cried as another contraction hit her and she clutched Xander’s arm and tried to breathe through it.


When the contraction finally passed, Anya lay back in the hospital bed breathing hard and looked at Xander with wide eyes. “Can I change my mind about this now?” she asked him. “’Cause, honestly, this planet doesn’t need any more people on it!  Look at all the homeless people that are already here . . . maybe we could just adopt one from the shelter. Maybe find one that’s already housebroken.”


“Ahn . . .” Xander started.


“Don’t ‘Ahn’, me, buster!  Men are evil! God! How could I have forgotten?! A thousand years of vengeance against the scourge of the Earth and you made me forget how evil men are! 


“You convince us that having a baby will be the most wonderful thing in the world – knock us up and you - what? Stand around laughing and joking and smoking cigars while we carry a money sucking, future axe murderer around in our bodies for nine months as it kicks and punches and bruises our delicate human internal organs and makes us eat barrels of pickles and gallons of pistachio nut ice cream with Tabasco sauce! 


“Ha-ha, what a barrel of laughs! I’ve eviscerated men for less! Turned them into toads, rats, snakes, trolls . . . bunnies . . .” Anya told him with a snarl.  "And I never realized until now just how right I was to do those things, your kind so deserves to suffer!" Anya folded her arms across her chest and glared at her evil husband with a thousand years of vengeance in her eyes.


Xander looked up at the nurse that was standing near them, chuckled nervously and waved a hand back and forth. “She’s kidding!  Such a jokster I have for a wife!  Not even labor can stop the funnies . . .”


Anya!” Xander admonished her in a stage whisper though clinched teeth. “Ix-nay on the evisceration-way alk-tay!”


Anya rolled her eyes. “I pretty ure-say that ig-pay atin-lay does not require a decoder ring to understand-way, Ander-xay.”


Xander started to say something else when another contraction hit Anya. She grabbed his upper arm and dug her nails into his flesh, drawing blood and making him scream out in pain along with her.


“Holy shit, Anya!  I’m bleeding!” he told her after the contraction had passed and she had released her grip. He examined his arm, holding it up and turning it back and forth to see all around it, and started wiping the blood off.


“Well, it’s a good thing we’re in a hospital, isn’t it?!  You’re the big man – I’m sure you can handle a little pain!  Wanna’ switch places?! I WISH . . .” Anya started.


“ANYA!” Xander exclaimed, clamping a hand over her mouth. “Don’t be making wishes on the Hellmouth! Has that baby melted your brain?!”


“No . . .  I think you melted my brain . . . how else can you explain me allowing you to do this to me, Alexander LaVelle Harris?  That’s obviously it! Men give women orgasms and make us feel all squiggly inside and it melts our brain for a while so you can talk us into ridiculous ideas like having babies!”


“Anya . . . you wanted to have a baby, too – in fact, you brought it up first! Don’t be laying this on me!  I was the sexual pawn in your plan . . . not the other way around!  You used me! You melted my brain!” Xander informed her.


Life is short, you said; people die all the time, you said; we could make life and it would be beautiful, you said; sex is about more than two bodies smooshing together, you said!


“God, I feel so . . . so cheap – used like a man-ho and tossed aside . . . and now bleeding, to top it off,” Xander said dourly, looking back down at the red marks on his arm.


“Oh zip it!” Anya told him with a frown. “You weren’t supposed to remember all that! You can’t remember to buy milk on your way home . . . how can you remember that!?”


Xander shrugged, a smile played at the corners of his mouth and he rubbed his hand across his face to try and wipe it off.  “I remember because you were right,” Xander told her softly – leaning in next to her as she leaned back in the bed.


“Anya, I love you and I love our son and if I could switch places with you . . . well, I probably wouldn’t – but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you all the more for harboring our little axe murderer the last nine months and what you’re going through now.”


“You mean it?” Anya pouted.


“Of course. I love you more than anything.  You’re the best wife – the woman of my dreams, and you’ll be the best mom of an axe murderer there ever was. Lizzie Borden’s parents will have nothing on you . . .”


Anya rolled her eyes. “I love you, too . . .” she said quietly. “Maybe we can keep him from being an axe murderer . . . but with the kooks we have for friends, well, I don’t know.”


Xander laughed and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “We’ll keep the axes locked up; we’ll do our best.”


Another contraction hit Anya and she grabbed Xander’s arm again . . . this time trying to avoid actually drawing blood, until the contraction passed.


“They’re getting closer . . . God, Xander – I’m scared. I don’t want to die - it seems like I just got here!” Anya told him with a hint of panic in her voice.


“You aren’t going to die . . .” Xander assured her.


“Where’s Willow? Is Willow here?” Anya asked him as her eyes darted towards the door of her room.


“Yes, Willow and Tara are both here . . .” Xander assured her.


“Why don’t you go make sure?”


“Ok, but I’m telling you, she’s out in the waiting room,” Xander told her, as he started towards the door.


“Maybe you should just bring her back here with you – you don’t run as fast as Spike does . . . maybe it would be best for her to just stay with me the whole time,” Anya suggested.


“Ahn, I don’t think they allow non-family members in the delivery room,” Xander informed her.


“Well . . .  tell them she’s family!  She’s my lesbian lover  - no! . . . you’re married to both of us – we’re polygamists. That’s family, right?”


“I think that’s also illegal in most states, Anya . . .”


“Really? Even California?”


“Yeah, even in Berkeley, amazingly,” Xander informed her.  “Ahn, Willow’s right outside – everything will be fine . . . What happened to Buffy isn’t going to happen to you.”


“How can you know that? It’s impossible to know that,” Anya informed him.


Xander moved back towards her and took her hand in his. “I just know. Everything will be fine, I promise,” he assured her.  “You know Buffy . . . she’s like a disaster magnet!”


Anya sighed but brightened slightly . . . Xander was probably right. What were the chances of her having the same problems that Buffy did?  Anya inwardly rolled her eyes . . . they were on the Hellmouth, after all – where chances for disaster were almost a sure bet.


“Maybe later, can we, you know, talk about this polygamist idea, though?” Xander asked hopefully, pulling Anya out of her thoughts of what the Las Vegas book makers would put her odds at and what the handicap would be for being on the Hellmouth.


“Because that sounds . . .” Xander stopped when he saw the look on Anya’s face – like she was ready to kill him (again), “. . . terrible!!  Absolutely HORRIBLE! What man in his right mind would want more than one woman? One woman is all I’d ever want or need – yes sir-eee!  That’s just crazy talk – more than one woman!? Pfffffft.”




A few hours later, Xander came running out into the waiting room of the hospital maternity ward.  Willow, Tara and Buffy all stood up in a panic when they saw him – afraid that something was wrong. 


“It’s a boy!! It’s a boy!!” Xander exclaimed with glee, grabbing first Willow, then Tara and finally Buffy into bear hugs and squeezing them until their eyes nearly popped out of their heads – even Buffy’s.


“Geez, Xand – you scared us half to death!!” Willow admonished him.  “You KNEW it was a boy, for Hecate’s sake!”


Being told it’s a boy and actually having a boy is totally different!  Those little squiggles on those sonograms could’a been anything!  It’s actually a boy – with a squiggle and all!” Xander beamed.  “Joshua Jacheal Harris,” he announced proudly.  “A middle linebacker, coming in at eight pounds, ten ounces and twenty one inches!”


“Holy shit, Xand – he’s half grown! Is Anya alright?” Buffy asked him.


“Oh yeah – she’s fine!  Well . . . maybe not fine fine, but yeah, fine . . . she’ll forgive me one day . . . many years from now . . . probably when JJ’s in college . . .” Xander told Buffy.


“What kind of name is ‘Jacheal’ . . . don’t tell me it’s another album!” Willow asked, scrunching her nose up.


“No, it’s not another album . . . it’s our names all smooshed together,” Xander told them.


“I didn't finish college, but I’m pretty sure ‘Xander’ and ‘Anya’ don’t spell ‘Jacheal’,” Buffy pointed out.


Xander rolled his eyes.  “Noooo. It’s the first letters of all our names, Alexander LaVelle Harris and Anya Christina Emmanuella Jenkins – Jacheal!”


“That’s an acronym – not smooshing . . .” Willow informed him.


“Well, smarty pants, he’s my son and if I want to say it’s smooshing, then it’s smooshing . . .” Xander told her with a “so there” look.


“You can see him in the nursery soon – I gotta get back before Anya has a cow!” Xander said as he turned and started back down the corridor.


“I think you mean another cow,” Buffy pointed out as he hurried away.




Hallie asked Spike if she could have the night off to go see Anya and the new baby and he’d agreed.  Spike tried to steer clear of Hallie – he only had to endure her one month –that’s all he’d agreed to – then she’d be gone. He had no desire to talk to her or have any more interaction with her than absolutely necessary. If she was upstairs with the twins, he always made sure he was downstairs; if she was in the kitchen, he’d go to the training room; if she was vacuuming and dusting downstairs, he’d go upstairs. They were like two magnets – whenever they got close to one another, an unseen force (named William) pushed them away from each other. 


He’d put Annie to bed around nine and was now working diligently on finding the secret to getting Billy and Dani to go to sleep – and stay asleep. When Buffy got home from the hospital around ten that night, she heard music coming from the training room.


Buffy stepped up to the open door of the training room and found Spike and the twins in there.  Buffy leaned against the door jamb and watched silently as Spike ‘serenaded’ their babies. Although she’d never heard anyone serenade babies with “Addicted To Love” before, it seemed to be working – the twins weren’t screaming, at least.


Spike had his back to the door as he stood at the foot of the bassinets that held the babies and rocked out to Robert Palmer – singing along and moving his feet and pumping his hips to the beat.  Occasionally he’d close his eyes and play air-drums or air-guitar along with the song – bopping his head back and forth in time to the music as he sang and putting every effort into hitting all the notes on his air-guitar just right – including the mandatory body language that goes with playing air-guitar.


Your lights are on, but you're not home
Your mind is not your own
Your heart sweats, your body shakes
Another kiss is what it takes

You can't sleep, you can't eat
There's no doubt, you're in deep
Your throat is tight, you can't breathe
Another kiss is all you need

Whoa, you like to think that you're immune to the stuff, oh yeah
It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough
You know you're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to love

You see the signs, but you can't read
You're runnin' at a different speed
Your heart beats in double time
Another kiss and you'll be mine, a one track mind

You can't be saved
Oblivion is all you crave
If there's some left for you
You don't mind if you do

Whoa, you like to think that you're immune to the stuff, oh yeah
It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough
You know you're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to love

Might as well face it, you're addicted to love
Might as well face it, you're addicted to love
Might as well face it, you're addicted to love
Might as well face it, you're addicted to love
Might as well face it, you're addicted to love

------~~  air guitar  ~~ ------

repeat verses . . .

        Addicted to Love - Robert Palmer



Buffy smiled and shook her head as she watched him. The twins apparently liked the song, or the rhythm - or perhaps they thought their father had lost his mind and they were afraid to scream lest he pick one of them up and dance them around the room to that beat.


On the last set of Might as well face it’s, Buffy moved up behind Spike silently, grabbed his sides hard and shouted, “BOO!”


Spike screamed out and jumped– just barely missing Buffy with his fist as he twirled around to face his ‘attacker’. “Bloody hell, woman!  You scared me to death! Well, more to death! What the bloody hell was that for?”


Buffy started laughing and just couldn’t stop . . . the look on Spike’s face, like the Ghost of Christmas Past himself had grabbed Spike, was too just much. Spike stood up straight, folded his arms across his chest and glared at her.  “It wasn’t that bloody funny,” he informed her.


“You . . . you . . .” Buffy couldn’t talk from laughing so hard.  She was bent over, holding her stomach and, every time she thought she could stop, she’d look at Spike glaring at her and it would start anew.


“Yeah, hilarious,” Spike said, trying to be stern, as her laughter started to infect him, as well. “Givin’ a bloke a bloody heart attack . . .”


Buffy collapsed on the floor, literally rolling in laughter at the thought of giving the vampire a heart attack and, despite Spike’s best efforts to not laugh – he couldn’t contain it any longer, either.


“You cheeky little wench,” Spike said as he started laughing along with her and went down to the floor, pinning her hips with his and her arms with his hands. “I’ll teach you to laugh at me . . .” he threatened as he started blowing raspberries on her neck.  Buffy screamed and laughed and wriggled under him, trying to get him to stop his raspberry attack, but she was laughing too hard to have any effect on him.


Spike let go of her hands, sat back up and just watched her as she wiped the tears from her eyes and tried to rein in her laughter.  He looked over at the twin bassinets just a few feet away and was surprised that the babies hadn’t awoken with all the commotion . . . apparently they liked classic rock n’ roll . . . Robert Palmer seemed to have them out for the count.


Spike looked back down at Buffy, who was trying to catch her breath and still had a grin on her face.  “You’re bloody beautiful, ya’ know that?”


“And you’re a kook,” Buffy informed him. “Certifiable!”


Spike shrugged. “Could be . . . but I know beautiful . . . you’re my addiction, Buffy,” Spike told her as he leaned down, pressing his body against hers, and kissed her lips softly.  Buffy wrapped her arms around his neck and deepened the kiss, sliding her tongue into his mouth – past his soft lips and across his teeth until she found his tongue and swirled hers around it – tasting, probing, exploring.  She never grew tired of his kisses, or the feel of his tongue as it danced with hers.


Buffy moaned into his mouth as she felt the familiar tingle of desire starting deep in her loins and felt his cock harden between their bodies and strain against his jeans.


“Babies . . .” Buffy moaned as Spike began trailing his tongue from her collar-bone up the side of her neck to her ear. 


“Hmmmm?” Spike murmured as he twirled his tongue around lightly in that spot behind her ear that he knew drove her crazy.


“Babies . . .” Buffy moaned again. “Not here . . . people . . . babies . . .” she finally articulated.


Spike moaned in frustration, but stopped what he was doing and just laid down gently atop her, holding her body under his as he ran his fingers through her hair and closed his eyes, reveling in the heat and scents and feel of her body against his.


Buffy closed her eyes and slid her hands up and under Spike’s t-shirt to feel his skin.  The softness of his skin never ceased to amaze her – it was in such sharp contrast to the hard muscles that it covered.  She ran her hands slowly up and down his back as he lay atop her. 


A small smile tugged at her lips and she began raising and lowering her hips (and Spike’s, too) in time to a beat only she heard. “Might as well face it, you’re addicted to love,” she sang softly against Spike’s ear.


Spike raised up, a smirk on his face as he looked at her – she really was bloody beautiful – even more so when she was laughing or smiling, like now.  “You know, the first step to a cure is facin’ your addiction . . .” he teased her.


“Oh, well, in that case – forget it.  You can just stay addicted – no cure for you,” Buffy told him with a smile.


Spike dropped a soft kiss on her lips before laying his body back down against hers and softly singing a different tune to her – one that promised no cure for his addiction.


I can't stop this feelin' deep inside of me
Girl, you just don't realize what you do to me
When ya hold me in your arms so tight
You let me know everything's all right

I-I-I, I'm hooked on a feelin'
High on believin' that you're in love with me

Lips are sweet as candy, the taste stays on my mind
Girl, you keep me thirsty for another cup of wine
I got it bad for you, girl but I don't need a cure
I'll just stay addicted and hope I can endure

All the good love when we're all alone
Keep it up, girl, yeah ya turn me on

I-I-I, I'm hooked on a feelin'
High on believin' that you're in love with me

All the good love when we're all alone
Keep it up, girl, yeah ya turn me on

I-I-I, I'm hooked on a feelin'
I'm high on believin' that you're in love with me

Hooked on a Feeling, BJ Thomas




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