Sunday, January 24^th, 2010, mid-afternoon:

“Yes … yes … I understand. Yes, thank you for your time. No! You’ve been a great help!” Willow assured the historical secretary of the Holy Trinity Church of Clapham before hanging up the phone and looking up at Buffy.

“Ok … she says the records show that John Weatherford was the Vicar there from 1875 to 1891 … that he and his wife, Wanda, left suddenly in early 1891 and moved to America …” Willow explained as Buffy paced back and forth behind her, wearing a path in the carpet on the floor of her small office.

“Wanda said she had a sister in Philadelphia …” Buffy offered, chewing on her thumbnail as she continued pacing impatiently. “Maybe they went there.”

“Buffy … this might take a while for me to track them down. Maybe you should … you know – sit down,” Willow suggested. “You’re making me nervous.”

“Sorry, Wills,” Buffy apologized as she stopped pacing and clasped her hands together to keep her fingers out of her mouth. “I just … Spike feels so bad for what he did, I really want some kind of good news to give him about what happened to the children,” Buffy explained. Although that was true, what Buffy didn’t say was that she needed it too. She needed to know that what she did in 1890 actually did save all their children.

“I know, Buff …” Willow sympathized. “Our baby isn’t even born yet and I already love him so much. I can’t imagine doing what Spike did. I mean, I know he had no other choice, but still …” Willow made a pained expression, unable to fathom having to make such a difficult decision.

“Wills … do you think … I mean, I think part of William’s soul stayed in Spike – after he was turned. Do you think that’s possible?” Buffy asked, losing the battle with her nerves as she starting chewing on her thumbnail again.

Willow shrugged as she turned her attention to the computer and started typing queries for ‘Wanda and John Weatherford’ in one of the genealogy sites. “You know …” she answered Buffy after hitting enter and waiting for the computer to do its magic, “I think that’s totally possible. You remember when Angel de-souled himself and Spike?”

“Yeah …”

“And Spike didn’t … you know, kill us all?”

“Yeah…”

“Well … it didn’t really hit me until just now, but Tara mentioned to me back then that Spike’s aura wasn’t all black … like it should be if he was, you know … totally soulless.  I didn’t really think much of it, honestly – I figured because he’d just lost it that maybe there was some cosmic residue or something lingering…” Willow admitted.

“But now you think maybe he really did keep part of William’s soul, even after he was turned?” Buffy asked hopeful that her friend would confirm her theory … confirm what she’d told Spike about William’s soul.

Willow shrugged. “What other vampire has ever saved their family?”

Buffy nodded. “That’s what I thought, too … But what about all the bad he did as a vampire? He killed a lot of people …” Buffy pointed out.

“Well … it might’ve just been a small piece of his soul … and it would’ve had a hard time fighting the demon all those years. I wonder if it just went into hiding … gave up…” Willow theorized as she looked back at the computer screen and started clicking on possible matches to her search.

Buffy thought of the last time she’d seen Spike in purgatory … there was nothing but the demon there; his soul had definitely gone into hiding, given up.  “What do you think brought it back out of hiding? Why did he help us fight Angelus … why did he keep his word and protect Giles … and help me?”

Willow looked back up at Buffy with a look of disbelief. “Do you really have to ask that?”

“Me…” Buffy whispered, more to herself than Willow.

“Duh!” Willow agreed, rolling her eyes before turning her attention back to the computer.

In every dimension or world that Buffy had seen that included Spike, there had always been a change in him when he hit Sunnydale. Despite numerous chances to kill her or her friends, Spike never did. The Watcher’s diaries chronicled rivers of bloodshed and mountains of mayhem attributed to William the Bloody … but in Sunnydale that seemed to change. Maybe not completely – he wasn’t instantly transformed into a saint, and he talked a good game and made a good show of trying to kill them all … but in the end, he never did. 

Had it been that little sliver of William’s soul, somehow protected from the demon, that had been drawn out of hiding when it came near Buffy’s? His warrior’s soul was just waiting for an opportunity … for an ally, for a reason to battle the demon again. Perhaps finding its other half gave it that motivation, gave it the strength and resolve to rein the monster in. In this world, that sliver got a boost when Willow restored the rest of his soul, along with Angel’s, using Jenny Calendar’s spell; in the other dimension, that sliver was bolstered when Spike was chipped by the Initiative. All it needed was just that little bit of help to win the battle with the demon – all it needed to fight again was that feeling of exaltation finding its other half gave it.

“Oh! Here they are!” Willow exclaimed, pulling Buffy from her thoughts. “You were right! They emigrated from England and settled in Philadelphia. John, Wanda, Anne, Elizabeth, and William Weatherford!”

“They changed the children’s surname …” Buffy mused aloud, looking at the computer screen over Willow’s shoulder.

“Probably would’ve been easier than trying to explain a totally different name…” Willow offered as she continued to search for more information.

“Before, the whole family line up to 2005 had already been mapped out on ancestry.com …” Buffy suggested.

Willow checked but shook her head. “That would’ve been nice, but nope…”

Buffy sighed … it had probably been Hallie that had done that – tracking down her next squeeze.

Willow performed the protection spell on Buffy, just as she’d done during her other pregnancies, then searched for more information on the children online. She looked for as long as she could before she and Tara had to leave to make the trip back to Redmond, Washington so they could both go back to work the next day. She promised to do more research on the Weatherford descendants as soon as she had time and get back to Buffy, but she left Buffy armed with some good news for Spike about his decision to leave them in the care of the vicar and his wife.

Anne had married at the age of eighteen. Her husband was a US Marine and fought in France during World War I. They had four children, two boys and two girls and lived on military bases all over the world for most of their life. They finally settled in Seattle, Washington after her husband retired from the service with the rank of Colonel and they lived there for the last twenty years of their lives. Anne had passed away in 1953 at the age of seventy-two; her husband passed just two months later – after fifty-four years of marriage.

William, Jr. did not serve in World War I … Buffy was glad to hear that. Spike hadn’t told her if he warned Wanda about that or not, but probably he did; Wanda must’ve locked her youngest child in the root cellar and kept him home. William had married at the age of twenty-four, had two children, a girl and a boy and he lived in or near Philadelphia all his life. William’s wife died in childbirth and he was a widower at the age of twenty-eight with two small children to raise. Willow couldn’t find any record of him ever re-marrying and he passed away in 1943 at the age of fifty-two.

Just like Dawn in the ‘wish-world’, Willow couldn’t find anything about Elizabeth … Bess. It was like she just dropped off the face of the earth, but Willow promised Buffy that she would keep looking.  The middle child might’ve moved to another country or simply moved somewhere that didn’t keep good records, Willow assured her. 

Buffy didn’t really know what to make of Bess’ lack of records, but she focused on the positives … Anne and William, Jr. had lived and loved and had children and grandchildren and who knows how many great grandchildren. Perhaps their lives weren’t all peaches and cream … William’s especially sounded sad losing his wife at such a young age, but they’d had a chance to live and love – Spike had given them that chance with Wanda and John; he had done the right thing.

**~**

Later that night, after giving everyone the good news about the fate of the children from the 1800s, all their friends, except Giles, had gone home. Buffy went up and got the kids ready for bed, leaving Spike and Giles alone in the great room. When she started back downstairs, Buffy paused, just out of view of the men, when she heard her husband and her de facto father discussing – what else? Her.

“Sydney’s an old friend and an excellent psychologist … he’s well versed in treating cases like this,” Giles assured Spike.

“Cases like this? Got many of ‘em, do ya? Slayers getting tossed into a strange world and havin’ to fight with every fiber of ‘er being to get ‘ome and save her family?” Spike questioned sarcastically, his hands going to his hips.

“Indeed … well, perhaps not exactly like this – but he’s worked with many soldiers coming home from battle…” Giles defended.

“Slayer ain’t gonna like it …” Spike pointed out with a sigh, shaking his head slowly.

“She’s been through a trauma … I’m quite certain what she’s experiencing is a type of post traumatic stress, just like soldiers returning from war. Add the hormonal changes from her pregnancy and … well, it seems clear that she needs help dealing with everything,” Giles insisted. “You saw her last night … she would’ve killed Faith if not for you stopping her. What happens when the person on the receiving end of her anger isn’t a Slayer? What happens when it’s someone else … a child, perhaps? What happens if you’re not there to stop her?”

Spike blew out a long breath and hung his head. It was hard to argue with that, although he was sure she’d never hurt any of the bits – not after what she’d gone through to get them back.  He didn’t know what she would do if confronted by someone she perceived as a threat to them, though – human or demon, whether the threat was real or imagined.  Her ‘mother instinct’ to protect her babies had been magnified to the power of a hundred  over the intervening years … he wasn’t sure how long it would take her to scale it back, to ask questions first before going on the attack.

Buffy sank down onto the floor at the top of the stairs and covered her face with her hands as tears fell from her eyes. Giles thought she was crazy and Spike didn’t disagree. They thought she was a danger to her children … they were going to put her in the loony bin after all! They were going to fill her with pills and put her in a padded room and toss away the key! She felt like a rat trapped in a maze – everywhere she turned was a dead end it seemed. Anytime she found any small glimmer of hope or happiness, someone or something came along to snatch it away from her; she just never expected that it would be Spike and Giles doing the snatching.

Buffy jumped when she felt a hand touch her arm. “Buffy … what’s the matter, luv?” Spike asked softly as he knelt down next to her.

“You’re just like Riley!!” Buffy accused through her tears.

Spike pulled back, clearly insulted. “I bloody well am not!”

“You think I’m crazy – you think I need to be drugged and locked up and forgotten about – just like he did!”

“Awwww, pet … that’s not true. No one’s talking ‘bout locking anybody up or taking any pills …” Spike assured her. Spike put a finger under her chin and lifted her face so she would look at him.  “Rupe’s just worried ‘s all – worried about you.  You’ve been through a lot, Buffy.”

“I can’t believe you think I’d hurt our babies! Spike, I swear I’d never hurt them … never in a million years … please, you have to believe me,” Buffy begged, her eyes shining with tears as she searched his for understanding. “What happened with Faith … it was … it won’t happen again,” Buffy promised.

“I believe you, pet. But it might not hurt to talk to this head shrink … he might be able to help you deal with …”

“NO! No, no, no!” Buffy screamed, covering her ears with her hands to block his words out. “I am not crazy!”

“No one’s sayin’ you are …”

“Yes you are! You all think I’m crazy!”

“Buffy, I can assure you that is not the case,” Giles offered as he came up the stairs to see what was happening. “It might help you … adjust to speak with someone with experience in these matters.

“Buffy, what you’ve been through is akin to war. You’ve battled alone for so long – you’ve been an army of one and it’s got to be quite a shock to your psyche to suddenly be thrust back into this life with no time for decompression or period of adjustment,” Giles explained.

Buffy shook her head as he talked, not really hearing him – her mind focused on the thought that Spike and Giles thought she was crazy, that she was a danger to her children… “All I’ve wanted for five years was to get back here, to get my family and my friends back … and now you’re saying that I can’t handle it!? Sometimes I think I’m the only one that’s not crazy around here!”

“No one’s sayin’ you can’t handle it, pet,” Spike assured her, his voice calm and soothing. “No one’s saying you’re crazy or that you’d hurt the bits and no one is gonna push any pills down your throat. We’re all just worried ‘bout you and want what’s best for ya.”

“Sometimes talking it out can help you deal with the anger and frustration so it doesn’t manifest inappropriately,” Giles added.

“I’ve talked and talked and talked! I’ve talked to Spike, I’ve talked to all you guys … I’ve turned into fucking Chatty Cathy since I got back! How much more can I talk!?” Buffy questioned as she stood up and faced Giles. “I’ve talked so much, I’m gonna use up my word allowance for the whole year pretty soon and it’s only January!”

Giles rolled his eyes. “Indeed … well, if you feel like you’d like to speak with a professional, I’ll leave his number on the refrigerator … just in case.”

“I’m not crazy,” Buffy repeated.

“I never said that you were, Buffy. We all need help from time to time … it’s not something to be ashamed of. Even the Slayer can use a hand now and then,” Giles offered sympathetically.

“Buffy … look at me,” Spike insisted from where he now stood behind her.

Buffy turned around and faced her husband. In his azure eyes she saw love and faith and the promise of a life she thought she’d forever lost. Her anger waned as tears welled in her eyes again. “Buffy, we love you – we all love you and we all know how strong you are.  All Rupe’s sayin’ is, don’t be afraid to ask for help if ya need it, luv. You’re not alone anymore. We’re all here, we’re all standing with ya now.”

“I don’t want to talk to a stranger about … stuff. Can’t I just talk to you?” Buffy questioned solemnly.

“’Course, pet … you can talk to me ‘til you use up all your word allowances for the rest of eternity … then you can ‘ave mine.”

Buffy pulled her top lip into her mouth and held it between her teeth before nodding solemnly and melting into his arms. “Thank you …” she murmured against his chest as Spike wrapped his arms around her and stroked a comforting hand down her back as he tucked her head under his chin.

“You’re not like Riley at all,” Buffy admitted softly as she took comfort in her husband’s arms.

Spike snorted a soft laugh. “Well, glad we got that sorted out at least.”

**~**

Saturday, February 12^th, 2010:

It was the twins’ sixth birthday; Annie would turn eleven in two days. Buffy and Spike had taken a week’s vacation, pulled the kids out of school and brought them, along with JJ,  to the  ‘Christmas Tree Vineyard Lodge’, in the foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains near Auburn, California to see snow.  The twins (and JJ and Annie) had actually seen snow before, but Buffy had missed it, and Spike agreed that it would be a nice way to celebrate their birthdays, as well as give Buffy a little ‘closure’ by coming back to the lodge where she’d first talked with Wanda and hatched her idea of going back in time and fulfilling her true heart’s desire.

Buffy had good days and bad days over the last month since she’d reversed … or at least partially reversed, Hallie’s wish. Some days she was still afraid that it would all be yanked away from her – that she was just dreaming … but that never happened. She’d been embarrassed a few times when people she should’ve known would speak to her and she didn’t know their names or what they were talking about, but she didn’t worry about it too much, the really important people in her life knew what was going on and were happy to fill in the blanks for her.

Buffy, Spike, and the kids spent the day playing in the snow in the hills around the lodge. She felt like a kid again when, after breakfast (which she skipped ‘cos of the morning sickness which was still raging), they built snow fortresses and had snowball fights – the girls against the boys.  There had been no clear winner in the Great Snowball War of 2010…and each side claimed victory.  After a warm and welcome lunch, they went for a hike on one of the many trails around the lodge, with Spike and Annie in the lead, followed by JJ and Billy then Buffy and Dani.  It wasn’t far down the trail that Spike and Annie froze in their tracks and Spike held up a hand stopping the rest of the procession.  Buffy’s heart raced as she grabbed Dani’s hand and stilled her … what had he seen? A demon? A bear?

Deer, Spike sent her silently through the bond as he and Annie crouched down and motioned for the rest of the group to come up slowly to see. It was one of those magical moments of nature – when you come face to face with another living being, with no walls or fences between you, and time stands still. Three deer peered out of the snow laden bows of the evergreens lining the trail and watched the strange, brightly colored creatures that were only a few yards away. The moment seemed to last forever as neither group moved or breathed – then, suddenly, one of the deer snorted loudly and stomped one cloven hoof on the frozen ground before turning and running quickly back into the dense forest in leaps and bounds, and the other two quickly followed.

“Cool!” “That was so neat!” “Wow!” “Awesome!” “Did you see that?” “It looked right at me!” came the excited cries of the children as they all stood back up from their crouches – eyes wide with wonder and joy.  Buffy smiled and caught Spike’s eye as they both stood back up, as well. Spike wrapped an arm around her and dropped a soft kiss on her forehead.

“Their first Bambi…” he told her softly.

Buffy nodded and blinked back tears. She’d missed so many firsts … but there were still more to be experienced … she hadn’t missed them all.

After their hike and stopping back at the lodge for some almond-milk hot chocolate (with mini-marshmallows, of course!), they headed to the sled hill, each armed with a brightly colored, plastic sled.  Spike thought that was cheating … lightweight plastic sleds … nothing like the heavy wooden one he had to drag up the hill when he was a boy, but the kids just rolled their eyes and moaned. Not another one of those old stories … When I was a boy I had to walk ten miles to school in the snow, barefoot, uphill, both ways … and I was happy for it…

Of course, the sledding quickly turned into a competition … which is so strange, because neither Spike nor Buffy have a competitive bone in their bodies … yeah, right. Spike was able to claim clear victory on the sledding races … unlike the snowball war. Buffy complained that it wasn’t fair; he was heavier than the rest of them so, of course, he would go faster in the hard-packed snow.  Spike, of course, contended that it his skill and natural athletic ability that gained him the victory and they were all just sore losers!

The family (plus one) sledded until nearly dark, then headed back to the lodge to warm up by the fire and fill their hungry bodies with the best pot roast Buffy had ever had. Buffy had arranged in advance with the B&B for a dairy-free birthday cake for the twins, which came after the meal. They’d have a ‘proper’ party for the kids when they got home, with their friends and family, but she didn’t want to let this day pass without a celebration. She may not celebrate her own birthdays anymore, but she couldn’t imagine taking that simple joy away from her children.

Billy, of course, received books for his birthday, including his very first journal – to say he was thrilled was an understatement.

Dani got the Spiderman skateboard that she’d been begging for since before Christmas, the one that Santa forgot to put under the tree for her. She, of course, wanted to start riding immediately, but would have to wait … no skateboarding indoors and outdoors was covered with snow, plus it was dark out – maybe tomorrow.

After getting the kids bathed and put to bed … the boys in the room adjoining Buffy and Spike’s to the right and the girls in the room to the left, the lovers took a little time for themselves in the Jacuzzi hot-tub on their balcony.

**~**

Billy was awoken by what sounded like a grizzly bear devouring a poor, helpless girl – her cries were muffled, but still clearly audible.  What’s that!? he asked silently, pulling the covers over his head so the bear couldn’t see him.

Annie says it’s ok … it’s just Mama and Papa playin’ a game, came the silent answer from his twin sister in the other room.

A game? What kinda game? he asked, peering out from under the covers; JJ was still asleep. Billy didn’t know how anyone could sleep through that!

Annie thinks it’s Little Red Riding Hood, Dani informed him.

Oh … but just pretend, right? Billy asked, quite familiar with the old fairy tale of a girl and her grandmother being eaten by a big, bad wolf.

Yeah, it’s just a game, Dani assured him after a moment.

Annie says we need to go back to sleep now, it sounds like the game is over, Dani told him after a few minutes.

Billy uncovered his head completely and listened. Dani was right, the growling and screaming sounds that had been coming from outside had stopped. Ok, g’night, he sent to his sister.

G’night …

**~**

Spike held Buffy in his arms after their love-making as he reclined on the full length lounge seat in the Jacuzzi and she lay contentedly atop him, her back to his front, and closed her eyes. Buffy sighed happily as the warm bubbles and swirling water surrounded them like a blanket, chasing away the cold night air. Her soul mate’s arms wrapped around her and her family sleeping peacefully just a few feet away filled her heart with a joy she had, not so long ago, been certain she would never feel again. To be in Spike’s arms … to be in the bosom of her family and friends again – it was literally a dream come true for her.

Spike reached over and turned the whirling bubbles off and, after a few moments, he began tapping a soft rhythm on her abdomen with his fingers. Buffy smiled and laid her hand over his as he moved his fingers gently in time with the beating of their baby’s heart. 

“A miracle, it is, pet,” Spike whispered in her ear and Buffy nodded softly as tears stung her eyes.

“Are ya scared?” he asked her, remembering her contention that she was ‘allergic’ to pregnancy after nearly dying when the twins were born.

“No … somehow I know everything will be alright this time.  We have wild angels watching over us … Wanda and mom … and Avengelyne,” Buffy assured him with a little smile.

“Ahhh, no worries then,” Spike returned her smile and nuzzled his lips against her ear.

“Like a Phoenix, you are, luv. Rose out of the ashes, you did … and brought us all with ya; made new life out of the ruins. You’re the strongest, most amazing woman I’ve ever known, Buffy – the strongest person I’ve ever known. I love you so much,” Spike murmured against her ear as she lay against him, his voice deep with emotion and love.

“You gave me that strength, Spike … even in the darkest moments you were still there with me, even when I didn’t want you to be … when I didn’t want you to see me … see me doing those things … I knew you were there. Your love gave me wings, I never stopped loving you – ever,” Buffy assured him and Spike wrapped his arms around her body and held her tighter, the heartbeat of their unborn child and her words of love ringing in his ears.

“Do you think Rack sent me to the wrong year on purpose … or do you think … I don’t …maybe Wanda or mom did it?” Buffy asked him. It was one question no one had ever answered for her.

She felt Spike shrug slightly under her. “Rack’s a selfish bastard, to be sure. He mighta done it just to keep you from succeeding …he mighta known he’d lose you if you were able to get us back…” Spike hypothesized.

“It was weird though because I knew when I was in his magick … it was … well, it was euphoric … it made me want to stay in that place, I didn’t care about anything else but that high – then that feeling suddenly stopped and everything went black – then I was in the Common,” Buffy recalled for him.

“Like someone pulled you outta his spell?” Spike questioned.

“Yeah … I guess, something like that,” Buffy agreed. “But if someone pulled me out – why did they drop me where … or when, they did?” Buffy wondered.

“Worked, didn’t it?” Spike pointed out.

“Yeah, but … my plan probably would’ve worked too and been … easier,” Buffy lamented.

“’These are the times that try men’s souls,’” Spike quoted Thomas Paine. “Didn’t Wanda tell you that you were bein’ tested? Being made to walk alone?”

“Yeah…”

Spike tightened his arms around her and leaned the side of his head against hers. “Maybe that was part o’ the test…you had to give us up in order to save us.”

“That just proves my theory that all tests were invented by bored, evil, sexually frustrated prudes who think it’s fun to put the rest of us through the wringer…”

Spike chuckled a soft laugh. “Oh, so you think the Council o’ Wankers is behind it, then?”

Buffy laughed but shook her head. “Well, the shoe definitely fits, but no … I don’t think they have that much power.”

Spike turned serious again. “Buffy, if you’da gone back to 1880 … what would you have done?”

“Killed Cecily,” she answered confidently. “Not let her marry you.”

“Would you ‘ave slept with William?”

Buffy shrugged. “I don’t know … probably not … I just – I was just so mad at her for how she treated you, using you – never letting you know what was possible… keeping your love for herself but never letting you feel what true love is.”

“So, you wouldn’t have saved all the babies…” Spike pointed out, laying his palm flat on her abdomen, covering the embryo growing within her. “Not just this one … but the others, Anne, Bess, and William. They would’ve never been born in that time…” he pointed out.  “I don’t know which babies your mum was talking about when she said ‘all’, pet … but this way there’s no doubt, yeah? You saved them all.”

Buffy sighed and nodded her head slightly. “I guess that’s true…”

The lovers cuddled in the warm water of the hot tub in silence as the winter air touched their cheeks with a cool, soft breeze. Each lost in their own thoughts of the years gone by and the test that Buffy had faced … a test she might’ve failed if not for someone giving her a push in the right direction – her mom? Wanda? She still didn’t know for certain. She also didn’t know who had helped Hallie … who had helped her escape her cage and turned her back from a rat to a human, who had granted her wish.  That missing detail nagged at Buffy … could whoever helped Hallie pop up again one day and be a threat to them?  Had it been D’Hoffryn? Or some old enemy or perhaps someone unknown to them?  She hated having that loose end hanging out there without an answer, but right now she’d have to live with it, because she didn’t have an answer to that mystery.

“If you want to go through my memories, you know you can, Buffy – anytime,” Spike offered quietly, pulling her from her thoughts. It wasn’t the first time he’d offered that since she’d ‘returned’, but she’d always declined.

“I know … I …” Buffy began, not sure how to explain why she didn’t want to do that. “You know, I’m kind of liking this getting to know you again. We both have all new stories and experiences we can share with each other, it’s kinda like when we were first together. Everything’s sort of new and wondrous…it’s like falling in love with you all over again,” she explained.

“I feel cheated for missing those years, but every time we share something with each other … some little thing that pops into our minds and we can’t wait to share it … I don’t know, I just feel like we’re re-connecting again. I don’t know if you can understand …”

“I understand, pet,” Spike assured her. “Just know it’s always there. There’s nothing I wouldn’t share with you …”

Buffy nodded and bit her lip. There was one thing she did want to know, but had been reluctant to ask. “Can I ask you something else?” Buffy started tentatively.

“Anything.”

“When you were … when you got the memories of those years in purgatory and the trials … do you … do you remember after that…after you were taken away?” she asked hesitantly.

“Yeah …” Spike sighed, closing his eyes against the memory of it.

“Was … what was it like? Can you tell me?” Buffy asked. Part of her wanted to know what he’d been through; part of her wanted to know what she might face one day for her own sins; part of her worried for him, just as he and Giles worried for her, that keeping that memory bottled up would eat at him; and, as crazy as it was, the little green monster within her still wondered if Dru had been there with him.

When he didn’t speak for a moment, Buffy turned in his arms and sat up on his lap in the hot tub facing him. Spike’s eyes were closed, but she could feel the pain the memories aroused in him and she was suddenly ashamed of herself for broaching such a hurtful subject.

“I’m sorry … it’s alright,” Buffy assured him, kissing the tears that had leaked out from his closed lids away. “If you want to talk about one day …”

Spike opened his eyes and let the green of hers surround him with love … just as he’d done as he stood in front of her before meeting what could’ve been … should’ve been, his final judgment.  The love and caring in her eyes never ceased to surprise him, never ceased to give him strength and courage and hope, and now was no different.

Spike took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “It’s not like they say in the books …” he began. “Not constant, eternal fire … if the fire had been constant, you could’ve gotten used to it … learned to deal with it. You’d burn one day, then freeze the next …back and forth. One day blistering sun, roaring fires, ground covered in hot coals everywhere ya step ... the next day bone chilling wind colder ‘an any snow or ice you’ve ever felt, cut right through ya. Never long enough to get used to either one. Had the same decorator as they did in limbo, though … sandy, rocky … desolate and filled with every kinda buggering monster you could imagine and that many more you wouldn’t want to…

“I could feel other souls there, but you couldn’t see them or touch them or communicate – you were completely alone, just you and the monsters. And there was this constant fear … you could never relax, never just curl up in a ball and hide – they’d track ya, find ya, no matter where you went or how well you thought you’d hidden…”  Spike stopped and closed his eyes and tried to breathe through the memory.

Buffy took one of his hands in hers and held it tightly, as she waited for him to continue, wishing she could take his pain away. The one thing she had been glad of in this new world was that Spike hadn’t remembered the torture his soul had faced … until it, along with all his ghosts, had all come crashing down on him from the ether.  She could take away his ghosts, but she couldn’t erase the memory of it from his mind.

Spike finally opened his eyes and began again. “They’d pull ya from your hiding place … rip ya from limb to limb … God, Buffy – you never felt such …” Spike faltered as a lump formed in his throat and he closed his eyes again.

“Oh, baby … I’m so sorry,” Buffy whimpered as she leaned forward and wrapped her arms around him. Spike sat up and pulled her to him, burying his face against her shoulder and sobbing. 

“That’s not the worst … the worst bit was, when the pain got to be more than you thought you could stand for another second, there was a moment you’d think ‘this is it … this is gonna end it’ and you get this faint glimmer of hope that you’d actually die.”

Spike snorted a derisive laugh and pulled back to look into her eyes. “But you forgot … you’re already dead – there ain’t anywhere else to go. The moment you have the small glimmer of hope, you’re suddenly back in one piece … freezing, burning, running from the beasties again, scared out of your mind  – knowing they’re gonna catch you again…knowing that it’ll never end, that there was no hope, after all. Having that little moment of hope … it was worse than not having any hope at all.”

“Oh, God … Spike,” Buffy cried as tears for her husband fell from her eyes and she pulled him back against her. “I’m so sorry … it was all my fault.”

Spike shook his head against her shoulder, silently disagreeing with her before pulling back and meeting her glistening eyes with his.  “No … not your fault, Buffy, never think that. It was Cecily (he still had a hard time calling her ‘Hallie’ ... he’d never met ‘Hallie’) … not you. You saved me – you saved William, you saved us all,” Spike assured her. “You’re the real wild angel, Buffy … you’re the one.”

**~**