Saturday, January 16^th, 2010:

 Anya and Xander came later that night, around 8:30, to pick up JJ. Spike explained to Buffy that Xander had lost his job because the construction company he was working for went out of business due to the slow housing market. To make ends meet, Anya was working a second job back at the Video Hut when she wasn’t working at the Magic Box, and Xander was working all the hours he could bartending at the Bronze as well as picking up odd-jobs for neighbors and friends doing handyman work. They couldn’t afford a babysitter or daycare, so, to help their friends out, JJ often stayed with Spike and Buffy before and after school and on weekends.

Buffy tried not to gush too much over seeing Anya and Xander, but couldn’t help but give them both big hugs when they came in. She knew she’d have to tell all her friends about what had happened to her and the huge hole in her memory, but first she needed to tell Spike, then she’d get to everyone else.

When she asked about Willow and Tara, Spike told her, yes, they were living in Washington state, Willow had climbed the corporate ladder quickly, she was a hot shot at Microsoft now, and Tara had opened a private practice as a psychologist and was doing well in her own right.  They came back to visit about four or five times a year, often spending a couple of weeks in Sunnydale with Spike and Buffy around Christmas and Buffy, Spike, and the kids made the trek up to see them when they could, as well.

Giles still owned the Magic Box and it was still doing well. In fact, the downturn in the economy seemed to help his business as more and more people came in looking for good luck charms and talismans and spells to turn their luck around.  He was still single and didn’t have a girlfriend that Spike was aware of.  Buffy didn’t like the sound of that as she remembered the bitter and lonely Giles from the Spike-less world … Giles needed someone to love and someone to love him.

Lorne still lived in Sunnydale and ran the Bronze. He’d gotten a posh apartment not far from the club and was having a good time as a swinging bachelor managing the hottest club in town.  He’d started bringing in talented, but little known, singers and entertainers on Friday and Saturday nights and had even drawn a couple of better known bands to town.  The owners of the club were well pleased with his efforts and pretty much gave him free reign to do or try anything he wanted.

**~**

As Spike worked on getting the twins their baths, Buffy went into Annie’s room to tuck her in.  Of course, Annie was too big to be officially tucked in any more, but Buffy just wanted to spend a little alone time with just her.

Buffy sat down on the edge of her daughter’s bed and a thousand memories flooded her mind of the times she and Spike tucked her in when she was little, of the bedtime stories and ‘I love you’s they’d shared.  Buffy straightened her daughter’s covers as she swallowed back the lump in her throat.  “Have I told you lately how much I love you?” Buffy asked at last.

“I love you too, Mama,” Annie replied softly and Buffy had to swallow back her tears at her use of ‘Mama’ instead of ‘Mom.’

“Is everything alright?” Annie asked her, looking at Buffy with big, blue eyes full of concern.

“Yes … yes, everything’s fine now. I … honey, I’ll explain everything later, but I’m gonna need your help for a while. Someone … well, someone stole some of my memories and I might need you to help me with remembering things. Can you do that?” Buffy asked her, not wanting to scare her, but at the same time not wanting to lie, either.

“Who stole your memories?” Annie asked with worry.

“A bad person … no one you know, honey. I … I took care of it, they won’t be back, so don’t worry,” Buffy assured her. “Will you help me remember stuff?” Buffy asked again.

“Sure, Mama … I’ll help you. I can remember really well,” Annie assured her mother. “Papa says I remember too well!”

Buffy laughed softly, certain that that was true. Kids can always remember the things you don’t want them to. “Sounds perfect. I’m sorry if I embarrassed you today when I picked you up … I’ll try not to do that again,” Buffy offered as she brushed some stray curls back from her daughter’s face.

“It’s ok … none of my friends were there,” Annie told her with a shrug and Buffy laughed and nodded knowingly. How many times had her mom embarrassed her in front of her friends when she was Annie’s age or a bit older? Too many to count.

“Sooo,” Buffy started, looking up at the posters of famous places that lined Annie’s wall. “Which place do you want to go see most of all?”

Annie followed Buffy’s gaze with her eyes and settled on the poster of the Eiffel Tower. “Paris… then London, I think … and Rome,” Annie listed her favorites. “Do you think Dad will take us to London sometime and show us where he grew up and stuff?”

Buffy shrugged. “I don’t know … it’s probably all changed by now, but maybe we can talk him into it one day.”

“I think it would be neat.  Mademoiselle Deschanel says that Americans don’t understand what ‘old’ is or what it means to live in a ‘historic district’ … not like in Europe or the Middle East or the Orient. We’d have to live in caves to be in a ‘historic district’ here!  It’s neat to think that you could stand on a spot and know that a hundred or five hundred or a thousand years ago, someone else who might’ve been your distant grandparent could’ve stood on that very same spot. Don’t you think that would be neat?” Annie asked, her eyes wide with wonder over the notion.

Buffy thought a moment before nodding. “Yeah, it is a neat thought.  Your great-great-whatever might’ve helped lay the bricks that built the London Bridge… Of course, actually, I think that particular bridge is in Arizona now, we could go see it on a weekend trip …” Buffy supplied with an eye roll. “But I get your point …

“Do you like history?” Buffy asked her and Annie nodded.  “And languages, you still like languages, right?” and Annie nodded again.

“What subject is your least favorite?” Buffy asked her.

“You know I hate math,” Annie moaned and Buffy laughed…that sounded familiar. Maybe she did get more than her love of chocolate from Buffy.

“Time for sleep, Niblett,” Spike announced from the doorway and Buffy nearly moaned aloud, but she reminded herself that there would be more time tomorrow to get to know the young lady her daughter had grown into … and she prayed she’d also have the day after that and the day after that.

Buffy leaned in and gave Annie a kiss on the forehead. “If I haven’t said it lately, I want you to know how proud I am of you and what a beautiful girl you are and that I love you with all my heart,” Buffy told her softly.

Annie wrapped her arms around Buffy’s neck. “I love you with all my heart too, Mama,” Annie replied. “People say I have a weird family, but I don’t mind ‘cos I know the truth.”

Buffy pulled back and looked into Annie’s eyes and asked, “What’s the truth about your weird family?”

“You and Dad are superheroes – you fight the bad guys and keep us all safe, so you’re allowed to be a little weird,” Annie supplied proudly.

“Well, that’s good to know …” Buffy laughed. “Good night, Sweet Girl,” Buffy whispered to her as she dropped another kiss on her daughter’s forehead and stood up.

Spike leaned over and gave Annie a kiss on the top of the head. “Love you, Niblett.”

“Love you, too, Dad…” Annie replied. “Good night.”

When Spike and Buffy were out in the hallway and Annie’s door was closed, Buffy laid a hand on his arm and stopped him.

“When did we become ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad’?” she asked with a sad expression.

Spike snorted a soft laugh. “I reckon about third grade … she came home from school one day and announced ‘Mama’ and ‘Papa’ were baby names – it was ok for the Littlebits, but she was too old for that.”

Buffy shook her head. “I missed a lot,” Buffy sighed. “Is she still doing good in school?”

“Well…” Spike corrected.

“Well, what?”

“She’s not doing good, she’s doing well …” Spike clarified.

“Oh … are we living with the grammar police now?” Buffy questioned.

Spike nodded and rolled his eyes. “Your daughter is like a dog with a bloody bone,” he informed his wife. “We don’t do good, we do well; we don’t lay down, we lie down; we don’t have less demons, we have fewer.”

Buffy let out a long breath. “That sounds swell … my daughter has officially surpassed my knowledge of every language known to man…”

“Don’t feel bad, you aren’t alone. She’s top o’ her class … she’s surpassed us all, pet,” Spike assured her.

“And Dani and Billy? What about them?” Buffy questioned, looking down the hall towards their room.

“Junior’s a bookworm … he’ll try to read anything. Gotta make sure you don’ leave any ‘romance’ novels laying … errr … lying about,” Spike warned her. “He seems to find the naughty bits in ‘em right off.”

“Like father, like son …” Buffy quipped with a small smile.

“Yeah, not so funny when he starts spelling words out in front a’ God and everybody and asking ya what they mean…’C-L-I-T-O-R-I-S ... V-A-G-I-N-A …” Spike informed her with a smirk.

Buffy scrunched her face up. “Oh… yeah, I can see your point. He really did that?” 

Spike nodded. “At Christmas dinner. I thought Rupes was gonna stroke out for a minute… ‘Course, Anya was gonna explain it to ‘im…”

Buffy rolled her eyes and bit her lip to keep from laughing … she could imagine the shock on her Watcher’s face when that came out of their son’s mouth and she could hear Anya giving their son an anatomy lesson … five years old or not. It made Buffy wonder how JJ had turned out so normal …

“Check. No books ‘lying about’. And Dani? Did the meningitis … did it … is she alright?” Buffy questioned.

“Doc says they can’t find any problems from it,” Spike assured her. “Tomboy, she is, rather be outside climbin’ a tree than readin’ a book. But got that milk allergy … that’s a pretty big deal, Buffy.  Got one of them medical alert necklaces, she does … there’s a list of foods she can’t ‘ave on the fridge …”

“I didn’t see a list when I was cooking,” Buffy pointed out.

“Might be covered up now with sumthin’ else now … we need to find it. It took a long time for us to remember all the stuff that has milk in it, like chocolate bars,” Spike told her.

“Chocolate? She can’t have chocolate?! Ever!?” Buffy exclaimed. “That’s … that’s terrible!”

“There’re some special made sweets she can ‘ave, hard candy’s ok and Gummy Worms … but she’s not big on sweets anyway, so…” Spike shrugged.

Buffy made a face. “Gummy Worms?  Does she have some kind of fish gene or something?”

Spike laughed and shook his head. “They’re like Gummy Bears but … worms. Your daughter’s not squeamish, I’ll grant ya’ that.”

Buffy rolled her eyes and shook her head. “What about the allergy … is it … like forever?”

“Doc says she might outgrow it … but it came on late, so they can’t say for sure,” Spike filled in.

Buffy blew out a long breath … she had missed a whole lot.

“You ready to tell me what’s goin’ on?” Spike asked her.

Buffy looked down the hall towards the twins room then back at him. “Yeah … just give me a minute.”

Buffy opened the door to the twin’s room and peeked in.  They had both already fallen asleep, Dani in the bed with the Man-U and Ninja poster over it and Spiderman sheets; Billy in the bed with the dinosaur poster and solar system sheets. The tomboy and the bookworm … Buffy wasn’t sure what she really expected them to be. Dani had always been the more outgoing, aggressive one, Billy more laid back and demure. They had grown from being inseparable as newborns into two separate people, with personalities all their own … and Buffy had missed it.

Risking awakening them, Buffy stepped into their room and gave them each a soft kiss goodnight then stood for a long time just watching them sleep in them dim glow of a nightlight. Buffy recognized the nightlight as the Dagon Sphere that used to be in Annie’s room … the ancient orb that ‘repels that which can’t be named’. 

Buffy smiled sadly as she thought of the memories lost, but at least now she had the chance to make up for those lost years…she had her family and her friends back.  After five years of just surviving, of living from day to day, hand to mouth, depending on no one and not allowing anyone else to depend on her, it felt strange to suddenly be back in the strong embrace of a group of people that loved her and depended on her and whom she loved and depended on just as much. Buffy hoped that she wouldn’t let them down … she felt like she was starting all over again.

Over the last years she’d turned back into ‘The Slayer’, ‘The one who stands alone’, living her life with the mission in mind and nothing more … now she had to turn back into a wife, a mother, a friend, a lover … she had to keep the walls from building back around her heart, she had to let people in. The life she had been living acapella had suddenly turned into a symphony; she was again supported by an orchestra of friends and family to lean on. They could help color her black and white world with a rainbow of color called love – but only if she let them in.

Buffy nodded resolutely to herself. And the first person you need to let in is Spike … she commanded herself silently. She needed to tell him everything – everything she’d done in the last five years, even the things she wasn’t proud of, even the things that might hurt him, things about Cecily and how Buffy had turned to Rack’s magic in her weakest moments, about purgatory and the trials, and how, in the end, she’d hurt William so deeply and not been able to save all their children.

Buffy stepped out of the twin’s room and into the hallway to find Spike waiting for her.

“You ok?” he asked, moving up to her as she leaned back against the closed door of their babies’ room. “If you need more time…”

“No, I’m ok … it’s time,” Buffy told him with a tired smile … it was time to share her pain, because that’s what wives and friends and lovers did … they shared the joys and they shared the pain. That was the only way to keep the walls from building back around her heart.

Buffy led the way downstairs – she couldn’t decide where to do this … in the bedroom it would be too easy to fall into his arms and forget about talking, the kitchen table or the research table might be good, she could sit facing him, but that felt so … distant; finally she decided on the couch. Spike followed her as she took a seat and turned sideways, pulling her legs up under her, and faced him.

“I don’t know really where to start…” Buffy began as she looked into his eyes. God, she had missed his eyes … and his voice and his arms around her. She’d missed his sense of humor and his smirk and his lips and …

“Start at the beginning,” Spike advised her.  “What’s the last thing you remember from … from before the wish?”

Buffy closed her eyes and nodded her head as she thought back to just before she woke up in Riley’s bed. 

“It’s ok, Buffy … it’s you and it’s me and we’ll get through whatever it is, pet. Whatever happened, you can tell me. I’ll never love you any less. My love for you only grows stronger with each sunrise,” Spike assured her, reaching out and laying a hand on her arm.

Buffy opened her eyes and looked into his as tears once again slid down her face. “I did some things I’m not proud of … I did some things a Slayer maybe shouldn’t’ve … but I never stopped loving you and our family, Spike. I never betrayed your love,” Buffy told him before taking a deep breath and beginning her tale.

“The last thing I remember was my birthday in 2005 … we were sharing a dream, it was a tropical paradise with a lake and butterflies … do you remember it?” Buffy asked him.

Spike nodded. “Yeah … it was brilliant … never had that dream since then, even though we both tried to go back there.  There was a dusty pink rose bush and we made love in the grass next to it … then swam in the lake. You wanted to play Marco-Polo, I let you catch me pretty fast. I’m not much good at staying away from you when you’re naked,” Spike recalled, his voice gentle and loving as he remembered the dream.

Buffy shook her head slowly back and forth. “In my world, you disappeared just after the butterfly landed on my shoulder and you recited that blessing … do you remember that?”

“Yeah … May the wings of the butterfly kiss the sun, and find your shoulder to light on; to bring you luck, happiness and riches today, tomorrow and beyond,” Spike repeated the old Irish blessing.

Buffy nodded. “That’s the last time … after that, the only time I could be with you was if I was asleep or unconscious …”

Buffy then asked Spike if he knew Hallie, and he said he didn’t … so Buffy explained who Hallie was … that she was Cecily, his wife from his life before Dru, and that she was an ex-vengeance demon herself. 

Apparently, some things from their life together that Buffy did remember had changed; they had gotten a live-in nanny/housekeeper when the twins came home, and she was a friend of Anya’s, but it wasn’t Hallie. She had stayed about six months, Spike told Buffy, then they didn’t really need her any longer, and she moved away. 

Spike thought that Buffy’s revelation that Cecily was once a vengeance demon explained a lot about the woman that he married in 1881, but he didn’t share that thought with Buffy. He didn’t like talking about his life before Dru … not even with Buffy, they weren’t good memories and they were best left buried.

Buffy and Spike talked through the night as she tried to recall everything that she’d been through the last five years, Spike giving her as much comfort as he could … crying with her when she cried, holding her when she buckled, assuring her when she faltered.  Spike tried to not interrupt her as she told her story, but had to ask her why in the bloody hell she would’ve ever married Captain Cardboard, making Buffy snort a soft laugh … that sounded like a familiar refrain.

Buffy noticed Spike stiffen when she told him about Cecily actually somehow ‘stealing’ their children and about meeting Henry William Hart, their great-whatever grandson. 

“You’re sayin’ Anne and Bess and William were … ours – yours and mine?” Spike questioned, his eyes full of concern and confusion as they searched hers for an answer.

Buffy nodded. “I’m sure of it. Anne and Bess looked exactly like Annie and Dani – that’s no coincidence. Spike, do you remember what they looked like?” Buffy asked softly, laying a hand on his arm.

“I … yeah, I just … I thought ‘cos they were mine they … they resembled,” Spike stammered, closing his eyes as the faces of his children from a century ago flashed through his mind.

“Spike, they did more than ‘resemble’ … they were exact twins. They were ours, not Cecily’s … yours and mine,” Buffy contended. “I’m sure of it.”

Buffy looked down at her hands, unable to meet his eyes for what came next. “I … at the end, mom came to me and told me I needed to save all our children – that you were depending on me. I tried … I went back in time, I warned you to keep William out of the war … you thought I was an angel, a Guardian Angel … and then I did such a stupid thing …”

Buffy paused, shaking her head slowly, ashamed of how she'd hurt William. When she finally looked up, Spike looked ashen … even for a vampire.

“You do remember!” Buffy accused, her eyes going wide.

Spike shook his head slowly as his mind raced. “That … that was you?” he stammered. “You were the one in my room? You were the one in the Common? How … how could that be?”

“I told you! I went back in time … I was going to kill Hallie … errr, Cecily … but Rack sent me to the wrong year. I couldn’t kill her without killing William, so I followed my heart – I warned you about the danger to your son … to our son,” Buffy explained. “I tried to keep them safe… I tried to do what mom asked.”

“No … that angel had fiery red hair and she said … she said she was from a different time, a different universe. She said … she said she was married to me but had lost me and … bloody hell,” Spike recalled aloud as pieces of a century old puzzle clicked into place in his mind.

“Spike … why did you lie to me about that night? You didn’t just go for a walk and meet Dru. It wasn’t just a night like any other! Tell me what really happened after …” Buffy’s voice trailed off as she searched Spike’s face for answers. He looked like he was about to hyperventilate or pass out … can vampires hyperventilate?

Spike stood up from the couch and started pacing back and forth across the great room, running his hand through his hair as he contemplated what Buffy was telling him. The children he and Cecily had were not Cecily’s but Buffy’s … the angel that came to him that night was Buffy … the angel that he’d searched the entire world for for decades after that night was Buffy.

“Don’t move…” Spike told Buffy as he turned and headed up the stairs, taking them two and three at a time.

“Where are you going?” Buffy questioned, turning in her seat and watching him, but he just held up a finger, silently asking her to wait.

Buffy sighed and turned back around. Why did he lie about that night? she wondered as she waited for him to return, worrying her bottom lip with her teeth. 

When Spike got back he was carrying a very old and dusty, leather-bound journal that Buffy had never seen before, some comic books, and the necklace that Angel had given Buffy so many years ago. Spike dropped the comic books one at a time down on the couch next to Buffy and dropped the cross necklace on top of them …

 Buffy picked up the cross – the cross she’d given William to remember her by, and then took in the comic books, picking up each one slowly. They were called ‘Avengelyne’ and were about a red-haired, green-eyed, scantily clad, fallen angel fighting against evil as she tried to get her wings back. Buffy looked back up at Spike who was flipping furiously through the old journal. When he found the page he wanted, he stood in wide eyed silence and just stared at the page without saying a word for what seemed forever to Buffy.

“Spike … please tell me what’s going on,” Buffy pleaded with him. “Why did you lie to me?”

Spike looked up from the journal, then turned it around so it was upside-right for Buffy and laid it on her lap, still open to the page he had been looking at.

Buffy looked down at the page … it was a pencil drawing – of her. She turned the page, the journal entry before it was December 15^th, 1890.

“I searched for Avengelyne, for years … decades,” Spike admitted when Buffy looked back up at him. “I finally gave up … decided that whatever time or universe she was from was one I’d never find. When those comics came out, I had to nick ‘em … but they weren’t the girl I was lookin’ for.  I thought I’d never forget her face … her touch, her voice … and I guess I didn’t really, did I?

“I never told you ‘bout Avengelyne ‘cos I …” Spike stopped and looked up at the ceiling and took a deep breath before looking back down at Buffy. “She was the only person I ever knew that I loved as much as I loved you, that made me feel complete, like you do. I never wanted you to think that … that you were second to anyone, Buffy. I never wanted you to wonder … what if that angel comes to call, will I lose ‘im? But it was you all along?” Spike questioned again still not quite believing his eyes and ears.

“Where are the books I gave you for Christmas … the Shakespeare ones, the old ones?” Buffy asked as she stood up and started scanning the bookcases in the research area with her eyes.

“What? Why?”

“Just … trust me, where are they?” Buffy repeated.

Spike walked around to the other side of the research area and showed Buffy the books, up on the highest shelf, safely away from small hands that might damage them.  Buffy reached up on tiptoes and pulled the last book out of the line and held her breath as she opened it to the back cover. She bit her bottom lip as she found what she was looking for … her note from 1890 to William.  Buffy turned the book around and showed it to Spike.

“Bloody hell…” Spike murmured as he read what she’d written.

My dearest William,

I followed my heart to you and you completed my soul. I will follow you forever – to the depths of hell or heights of heaven, until the moon no longer follows the sun and the stars dwindle, one by one.  Always know, never doubt, that I love you with all my being and I will find you again one day.

 Your loving wife,

 Buffy

December, 1890

“That … I never saw that before…” Spike muttered, looking up from the book and into Buffy’s eyes.

“I wrote it that day … that day I was at your house. I wanted to … to somehow be part of your life, even if it just as a footnote. I never meant to hurt you that night. I missed you so much, I just … I hated Cecily for how she was treating you and I wanted you to know what was possible,” Buffy admitted as tears stained her cheeks again.

Spike nodded and closed his eyes as she laid a hand on his face. “I know … I understood later … after Dru…”

“Please tell me what really happened …” Buffy whispered to him.

Spike opened his eyes and let the green of her irises surround him with her love. How could he not have known this was his angel, his Avengelyne? Perhaps because of all the years that had passed … his memory had faded – he had long ago given up the hope of finding her  … but his heart, his soul knew her the moment he laid eyes on her that first night in the Bronze.  His conscious mind may not have known, but the rest of him, his true heart, recognized her instantly.

Spike took a deep breath and wiped his tears with the back of his hand as he sat the book down on the research table. “When I ran off I … I was upset. I couldn’t go home in that state, so I ran and walked and crawled and cried and … and I literally bumped into Drusilla on the other side of the Common. She talked some gibberish ‘bout spirit and imagination and catastrophes crashing down from heaven and…” Spike’s voice trailed off and he shrugged. “And, the next thing I remember, I was clawing m’ way out of a grave … and she was waiting for me on the other side.”

“What happened to the babies?” Buffy asked with trepidation, holding her breath as she awaited his answer.

Spike sighed and rolled his head back, looking up at the ceiling for a long time before looking back down at Buffy. “Dru and me stayed around London for a bit … a couple of months.  Angelus and Darla were supposed to meet up with ‘er there, but they hadn’t showed yet. I looked for my angel every night in the Common, but, o’ course, she was never there again. One night, I … I told Dru I had to take care of some things on my own … I slipped away from ‘er and went back to the house. I hadn’t been back since that night …”

Spike stopped talking and started pacing back and forth in front of Buffy as he ran his hand through his hair again and Buffy closed her eyes as she waited to hear what he’d done to their children.

“Nellie invited me in, of course … she and the girls had been frantic looking for me, worried that I’d been hurt or killed – robbed and dropped in the Thames...” Spike stopped and snorted softly before continuing, “Cecily had given birth to a son … just as the angel … just as you had predicted.”

Spike stopped in front of Buffy and put his hands on her upper arms and Buffy opened her eyes and looked at him. Her heart raced and her stomach knotted as she waited to hear what he had done. “Tell me…” she whispered as tears glistened in her eyes and she felt the knot in her stomach rise to her throat.

“I … I got the girls up from their beds … got the baby boy from his crib, wrapped them up in coats and blankets and … and Nellie and I took them to the vicarage …”

Buffy’s mouth dropped open and she tried to swallow the lump in her throat. “You took them to…”

“To the church on the Common … we woke up the Vicar and ‘is wife … I told them the children needed a home, they were orphans and asked them to take care of ‘em. Buffy, God, Buffy … I gave the babies away,” Spike sobbed as he fell down onto his knees in front of her and wrapped his arms around her waist and cried. “I gave our babies away…” he repeated. “I’m so sorry … I loved them so, but … if Dru knew she would’ve … it was the only thing I could think to do to keep them safe. I told everyone that I’d killed them  … bragged ‘bout it … I … I didn’t want Dru or Angelus to go lookin’ for them.”

“Oh God, Spike … oh, baby,” Buffy sobbed as she dropped to her knees with him and held him as he cried. “You gave them to Wanda…” Buffy realized and Spike nodded against her shoulder. “But Wanda … she knew you – she would’ve known you were their father … not orphans.”

“She knew … she knew by lookin’ at me … somehow she knew …” Spike murmured against her shoulder.

"Spike, why? Why didn't you tell me that before? Why did you lie? Let me believe you killed them?" Buffy wondered.

Spike shook his head against her shoulder. "I ... I told the world I'd killed 'em for so long ... I started to believe it m'self.  You ... you had read the Watcher's diaries before - when Dru and me first came to town, so you knew that story.  I just ... I just never dissuaded you from that notion. At first I didn't know you well enough - thought ... well, thought maybe you still loved Angel and ... and then, later ... it just seemed too late to fix it ... then we just never talked 'bout it..." Spike's voice trailed off and he shook his head again and tears rolled down his cheeks. "I'm sorry ... never meant to lie to ya ... I'm so sorry, Buffy ... I didn't want to give the babies away ... I didn't know what else ta do."

“Spike … William, look at me,” Buffy requested as she pushed him back slightly so she could look into his eyes. “You did the right thing … you did the only thing you could do. Wanda … Wanda is the real guardian angel. You did the right thing,” Buffy assured him again, before hugging him to her as sobs wracked his body.

When Spike had calmed down, Buffy stood up and pulled him up with her then guided him back to the couch, moving his journal and the comics out of the way, and she sat down with him. Spike leaned his elbows on his knees and dropped his head into his hands as he struggled to regain his composure … he’d never told anyone before what he’d done with the children. Not one other soul, living or dead, in one hundred and twenty years knew that his children had lived.

“I … I signed the house and most o’ the money over to the Vicar … gave the rest to Nellie to make sure she’d be all right. She said she’d stay with the children – with the Vicar and ‘is wife … I don’t know if she did or not. I never saw them again after that night,” Spike continued his story. "I went back a couple years later ... when Dru left me alone ... off on one a' her flings ... but they were gone. The new Vicar didn't know where they'd gone ... or wouldn't tell me."

“What happened to Cecily?” Buffy asked hesitantly.

“Had run into my dear wife a couple a' nights earlier …” Spike told her, his voice turning colder. “Turns out, she had a thing goin’ with Daniel Retchford. I was faithful to that frosty bitch for ten long years … and she was bangin’ boots with my bloody boss…” Spike snorted. “Did the whole buggerin' world a service that night, I did …”

Buffy nodded, understanding fully what that meant. He killed them.

“I guess we both did the world a service, then…” Buffy told him softly as she wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him to her.

Spike turned and wrapped his arms around his wife, his angel, and buried his face against her shoulder. “I’m sorry, Buffy … I’m sorry about the bits … I … I …”

“Shhhh…” Buffy soothed him, running a hand down the back of his head and neck. “You did the right thing … you did the only thing you could do, Spike. Dru, Angelus, Darla … you know what they would’ve done … you know,” Buffy assured him as tears stung her eyes again. “Wanda loved them like they were her very own, I know it. I promise, Spike … you did the right thing.”

**~**

Buffy woke from a dreamless slumber to find that she and Spike had fallen asleep on the couch in each other’s arms. She sent a silent prayer to the only angel she trusted, Wanda, for waking up to the same world she’d gone to sleep in. Buffy watched her husband for a long while as he lay against her; salty, dried tears clung to his cheeks and eyelids and Buffy longed to take that hurt away from him.  He said what he’d done to the children ate at his soul, and she knew that was true … even though he’d done the only thing he could do under the circumstances to save them, she knew how much he loved his children. She knew how much it hurt when they had to send Annie away with Anya and Xander to the Coven when they were fighting the First … how that must’ve torn at Spike’s soul to give his child away again.

It was clear that things in their life would’ve changed … not even counting the last five years, things before that would’ve changed, as well. Buffy had no idea how to know what had changed or how.  It would just take time for her to figure it out. She sent another silent prayer to their guardian angel to give her that time; please let this be real, please let me stay with them, please don’t take them away again, please let the nightmare life be over, Buffy prayed as tears stung her eyes anew.

Buffy was pulled from her thoughts by footsteps coming down the stairs. She raised up slightly to see over the back of the couch and saw Dani and Billy padding slowly down the stairs in their PJs. Oh, God … they’re so big…

Buffy slid out of Spike’s embrace, careful not to wake him, and met the twins at the bottom of the stairs. “Mama!” Dani started in a loud voice and Buffy shushed her softly.

“We’re gonna play a game this morning,” Buffy whispered to them, going down to her knees to be eye to eye with them. “It’s called ‘how quiet can I be’ and whoever is quietest the longest gets a special treat. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”

Billy nodded enthusiastically, but Dani looked at her with suspicion, that didn’t sound like any fun at all.  “Are you hungry?” Buffy asked quietly, putting a finger on each of their mouths to remind them to answer silently and they both nodded.

“Ok … quiet as churchmice, now,” Buffy instructed, putting a finger up to her lips as she took their hands and led them past her sleeping husband to the kitchen.

**~**

Spike woke to the smell of bacon cooking and rubbed tiredly at his eyes.  It had been a long and painful night and his heart still ached.  Buffy had been through hell … she’d been alone, no family, no friends, no one to lean on, for five years.  It was mind-boggling to think that he remembered none of what she described … not the cold, red purgatory or the trials … he remembered a life with her and their children living fairly happy and fairly normal lives here in Sunnydale … well, as happy and normal as it gets for a vampire and a Slayer living on a Hellmouth.  It was clear that what she’d been through had changed her … she wasn’t the same woman he’d gone on patrol with the previous night … he could feel a hardness in her now that she hadn’t had before, but she also had a strength and a resolve and a love even deeper than he’d felt before.  She knew what it was to lose everything, she knew how precious her life and her family were and he was sure there would be no moments taken for granted.  It would take time, he knew, for him to share the million little things that they had been through the last five years, but that was alright – they had an eternity to do it.

Spike listened to the whispered voices of his children and wife in the kitchen. Buffy asking how they liked the bacon, crisp or soft, did they want juice or milk … or almond milk?

“Can Dani eat toast?” Spike heard Buffy ask, then he heard pages being flipped on the list of foods that Dani could and couldn’t eat.

“Yeah … this special bread from the kosher bakery,” Annie supplied. “But no butter … she can have jam or peanut butter or this special margarine.”

“Ok … what about eggs? How do you guys want your eggs?” Buffy asked the assembled group.

“I want eyeball-eggs!” Dani exclaimed in a loud voice.

“Shhhh … remember the quiet game?” Buffy whispered to her.

Spike chuckled. Good luck trying to keep that girl quiet…

“What are ‘eyeball’ eggs?” Buffy questioned.

“Poached,” Annie supplied. “Dad told her they were eyeballs to make her eat them …”

Buffy scrunched up her face. Her daughter would rather eat eyeballs than eggs? “Poached? I don’t think I know how to make poached eggs … do I?” he heard Buffy ask.

“Papa makes them poached. I want poached eyeball-eggs!” Dani insisted and Spike could envision her bottom lip out in a pout and her arms folded across her chest, just like her mother and sister before her.

“Well, Papa’s just turned into a regular Julia Child, hasn’t he? Does he guzzle wine while he cooks and say ‘bon appétit’?” Buffy asked.

“No, beer …” Annie supplied. “And mostly he says ‘eat it or starve’ …”

“Oh … Martha Stewart, then…” Buffy amended and Spike could actually feel her eyes roll from the other room.  “How do you poach eggs, anyway?”

“He boils water really hot and then you drop the eggs in and scoop them out …” Annie relayed, using her hands to imitate dropping an egg in a pan of water and scooping it out.

“That’s boiled eggs…” Buffy pointed out.

“No … it’s different … he takes the shell off first,” Annie clarified.

Spike heard Buffy snort sarcastically. “Well, I leave the shells on when I poach eggs…we’re having Mama’s poached eggs this morning, ok?”

Spike couldn’t help but laugh and he thought briefly of getting up to help her, but she was just so cute …

“Did you hear something?” Buffy asked the group and Spike closed his eyes and turned over to face the back of the couch before anyone could catch him eavesdropping.

He heard Buffy walk to the door of the kitchen (he knew it was Buffy because she was the only one with shoes on) and could almost feel her eyes on him as he played possum.  “I guess not…” she said quietly and he heard her walk back into the kitchen and everything got quiet…too quiet.

After a few moments of silence, Spike turned over to see if he could peek through the kitchen door and see what was going on, but as soon as he rolled over he was attacked by his family, who had snuck out of the kitchen and up to the couch on tiptoes. He screamed and squirmed as the children pounced on top of him and began tickling his sides as they laughed and screamed in delight.

“Uncle! Bloody hell, uncle!” Spike exclaimed as he tried to grab three pairs of little hands with his. “Little help, Slayer!” he called as he got a hold of Annie and Billy, but couldn’t grab Dani. 

“Oh, did you need help?” Buffy asked with a sly smile as she closed in on Dani.  Buffy went to grab Dani around the middle, but instead she bypassed their daughter and went for Spike’s ribs, taking up where Annie and Billy had been thwarted.

“Fuu…dge!” Spike screamed as he released Annie and Billy in order to try and stop Buffy. Before long, the attack on Spike had degenerated into an all out tickle-fest on the floor in front of the couch with no one safe from the tickle torture.

Before long everyone (except Spike) was out of breath from laughing and screaming and wriggling and tickling and they all lay in a pile on the floor trying to stop giggling as their lungs fought for air.

Buffy rolled over and dropped a kiss on Spike’s lips. “I love you …” she whispered to him, the silly grin still on her face from getting him. She couldn't remember the last time she'd laughed so hard ... or laughed at all, for that matter. It felt ... it felt good, she'd forgotten how good it felt to laugh.

“I love you too, Slayer…even if you don’t know how to poach bloody eggs…”

As Buffy leaned down for another kiss, she and Spike were suddenly smothered with laughing children. Kisses and raspberries were dropped on faces and tummies until all the small people screamed for mercy.  It wasn’t until then that Buffy realized they had gained another child …

“When did you get here, JJ?” Buffy asked as she released Billy from her clutches.

“Just now,” JJ told her, still giggling from the tickling that someone had inflicted on him.

“He just shows up like that… like a poltergeist, whether you want him to or not,” Annie offered, rolling her eyes.

“Demon Bird drops him at the curb on ‘er way to work … waits ‘til he’s inside,” Spike clarified as he began to stand up, hoping to avoid a round three of ‘Tickle-Me-Spike’.

“Oh, okay,” Buffy began. “Are you hungry? How do you like your eggs?” Buffy asked JJ as Spike gave her a hand up.

“Sunnyside up!” JJ enthused.

“Finally! Something I can do!” Buffy laughed as they all started back towards the kitchen.

“Soooo…you cook now, huh?” Buffy questioned Spike as they walked.

“Yeah, well, we can just keep that deal forgotten … that’d be fine with me,” Spike told her with a smile.

At Buffy’s pleading look, he rolled his eyes and explained about the cooking, “You said that you’d cooked for the first eight years … that it was my turn to cook for the next eight … then we could switch back.  I’ve got five years left on my sentence … unless you want to modify the parole agreement…?” Spike asked hopefully.

“Don’t tell me that it’s my job to tune up the cars or something…” Buffy questioned.

“P-leease! Your job is to keep the bits out of the kitchen while I’m cookin’ …”

“Oh, that sounds like a fair trade to me.  I think we should just keep the deals we made in the past the same … I mean, it wouldn’t be fair for me to change things just because I don’t remember making the deal…” Buffy reasoned with a small smile.

“How did I know you’d feel that way?” Spike wondered aloud as they made it into the kitchen. “Ok, who’s for Papa’s world famous poached eyeball eggs?”

 **~**